How to recover from a draining family visit, according to psychotherapists

Summer is often filled with events attended by family members we rarely see, perhaps for good reasons. While catching up with loved ones can be great, it’s OK to admit that seeing family can also mentally drain you. No one pushes your buttons quite like your relatives, and family time often leaves people exhausted, frustrated and overwhelmed. As much as you may love your family, they can also make you feel angry, stressed and upset. You may find yourself being babied, even in your 40s, or defending your life choices to relatives who don’t understand that not everyone chooses to have children. You may leave a family gathering utterly depleted and wondering how to recover. There can be a lot of pressure to see your family over summer, but experts say this shouldn’t come at the expense of your own mental health and wellbeing. The i Paper spoke to the mental health experts to get some tips on dealing with the aftermath of draining family visits. (Photo: 10'000 Hours/Getty)

Hang out with friends who know the adult ‘you’

According to therapist Vic Paterson, when we spend extended time with family, we often experience a kind of “identity jet lag.” Just as your body gets confused about time zones, your sense of self gets temporarily displaced. If you find yourself regressing to your younger self when surrounded by family, spending time with friends who know your actual adult self is like a reset button for your identity. Paterson explains, “These people knew you after you figured out who you are, not who your family thinks you should be. They treat you as the competent adult you’ve become, not the teenager who once dyed their hair purple. This helps snap your brain out of that family-role loop and back into your authentic adult self.” (Photo: Jo Hale/Getty)

Go for a stress-relieving walk

Alston says exercising and getting out in nature can help burn off any negative energy left over from family experiences. She explains, “It might seem counterintuitive to go out for a walk when you feel you have no energy, but nature has an amazing stress-relieving effect, so time outdoors can be beneficial for us when tensions run high or we are feeling drained.” (Photo: Carolyn Eaton/Getty)

Eat a comforting dinner and have a good night’s sleep

Psychotherapist Belynder Walia says we shouldn’t ignore our physical recovery when focusing on the emotional fallout. “Ensuring you eat nourishing food, get adequate rest, and hydrate can help your body recover from the demands of hosting or prolonged social interaction. Reconnecting with routines or hobbies that bring you joy and energy is another great way to recharge and help restore your balance.” (Photo: Getty)

Understand your triggers for next time – and set boundaries

If a family visit has been draining, psychotherapist Georgina Sturmer recommends figuring out your triggers – the people, behaviours, or events that really press your buttons. She explains, “These often stem from earlier in life, and these relationship patterns can play out repeatedly. When we notice the things that trigger us, it helps us to figure out the coping strategies or boundaries that might be helpful next time.” Psychotherapist Kamalyn Kaur says setting boundaries ahead of time can minimise emotional exhaustion. “Boundaries allow you to maintain your sense of self and wellbeing during the visit, which can make post-visit recovery less intense.” These could be refusing to engage in family gossip or slander; speaking up for yourself – what you will and won’t stand for; having certain conversation topics you will or won’t engage in; or even having a set time limit that you will be there for with an escape plan after. Even knowing you have another place to stay if it comes down to it can be comforting. (Photo: Kinga Krzeminska/Getty/Moment RF)

Speak to a therapist or write things down

Dr Ritz Birah, a psychologist and the creator of Reflect with Dr Ritz, a journaling service that blends psychology and neuroscience, says that after a draining family visit, it’s essential to carve out intentional time to decompress. Block off some downtime in your diary, and consider writing about how it went in a journal. “Use this insight to establish limits, whether the amount of time spent together, certain conversation topics, or even allowing yourself moments of solitude during the visit.” Ahead of a visit you’re anxious about, Dr Birah says: “Focus on areas of connection or gratitude. Write down three things you appreciate about the people you’re visiting or three intentions for the time together.” Sturmer adds that if you dread spending time with family over the holidays and this has only gotten worse, not better, with age, it might be time to speak to a professional. Often, it’s wise to book sessions before a visit to help you develop coping strategies for family events. Setting boundaries may be tricky, and it may feel uncomfortable to start telling your parents and other relatives how you want to be treated. A therapist can help you work through these issues to set you up for mentally healthier visits in future. (Photo: Fiordaliso/Getty)