The expert guide to getting the spark back in a relationship

Kyle* was in bed with his girlfriend of two years one morning when he realised his relationship had lost its spark. “She wanted to have sex and I wasn’t in the mood,” the 42-year-old recalls. “I genuinely just felt too tired. But then I got into the shower and found myself fantasising about someone else and feeling extremely guilty. I realised that our initial connection had faded. If I’m honest with myself, I think it had been fading for months. I was just in denial about it.” If ever there was a singular metric on which to measure the success of a relationship, it would be the spark. Do you have it? How strong is it? Are you maintaining it? And what happens if you’ve lost it? We ask ourselves questions like these all the time despite the fact that none of us really knows what the spark even is, or how to explicitly define it. All we know is that it’s vital – and that without it, your relationship is probably doomed. (Photo: Getty).

The spark matters

“The spark matters because it keeps the relationship alive and exciting,” explains relationships psychologist Mairéad Molloy. “If you don’t have it, couples can start to feel like flatmates or business partners. It is what makes you look forward to seeing each other, and it gives the relationship energy.”

Noticing the 'magic' is gone

“About ten years ago, I realised that my husband and I had lost our way a little,” says dating coach Lisa McFarland. “Life had become very busy. We had three children, a business together, and responsibilities with our extended family. We found ourselves arguing over the same silly things repeatedly. We were just not on the same page.” This is a common experience among those in long-term relationships where fun can feel as if it has been replaced by function, especially if you have children. It can become a self-perpetuating cycle, too. “It can feel either that your partner is different from who they used to be or you don’t feel the same, and ultimately the ‘magic’ is gone,” says Molloy. As a result, you can no longer look at one another in the same way. Maybe you stop making time for each other and no longer feel understood or desired. It can feel deflating, as if you’ve failed at romance. (Photo: Emir Memedovski/Getty).

Don't listen to pop culture

The important thing is not to panic and focus on making small adjustments as well as open communication. “Losing the spark doesn’t mean a relationship is over,” explains says Jessica Baum, psychotherapist and author of Anxiously Attached: Becoming More Secure in Life and Love. “It often means the relationship is moving out of the honeymoon phase into something more real and lasting.”

Stop chasing the initial spark

“The spark can also be the attraction and energy that brings two people together at the start,” says Molloy. “It feels thrilling and new, and it pulls you in. Psychologically, the reason we value the spark when we talk about it in these terms is because it triggers dopamine and those reward systems in the brain, which feel intoxicating.” With this in mind, it’s not hard to see how chasing the spark can become an addictive, and occasionally unhealthy, practice. Hence why, on social media, a highly sceptical narrative around the spark has emerged, with popular relationship coaches advising people against fixating on it altogether. “If you’re chasing the spark, you’re going to be single a lot longer than you want to be,” says podcast host Sabrina Zohar in one TikTok clip that has more than 4,500 likes. “The reality is that’s just anxiety and excitement that has nothing to do with compatibility,” she says, adding that whenever she has felt the spark herself, it’s usually been “with a narcissist or someone who’s really good at the game”.

Connection is key

In these cases, the spark can be misleading, guiding you towards what’s wrong instead of right for you. “In the past, I confused chaos and intensity with chemistry — the drama, the highs and lows, even the ego clashes felt like passion,” says Sammi Leaver, 37. “With ADHD, my brain is drawn to that kind of stimulation, so it felt like a spark when actually it was a red flag.” Nowadays, Leaver finds it more fulfilling to focus on building long-term connections. “I actually think the spark is overrated,” she says. “Sparks fizzle out. What matters to me now is consistency, safety, and genuine engagement. The spark might get you interested, but connection is what keeps you there.” (Photo: PhotoAlto/Frederic Cirou/Getty).

Addressing the issue

If the spark is something you do want to reignite further down the line, however, Baum suggests couples lean into small daily rituals and create new experiences together. “Curiosity can reawaken the brain’s reward pathways, while safety and trust allow a deeper flame to grow,” she explains. “Desire can also be reawakened when couples stop running on autopilot and add novelty — fresh experiences activate the brain’s reward system and revive connection.” After that stark moment of realisation, Kyle also decided to address the missing magic head-on. “Once we’d both had a conversation and acknowledged the spark had gone, we did a number of things: we saw a relationship therapist, which meant unpacking things we’d been ignoring, and booking weekends away, just the two of us, where we’d try to look our best, go out for dinner and cocktails. A lot of it was about rebuilding self-esteem.” (Photo: FG Trade/Getty).

Where the real spark lives

Finding ways to bring silliness into the relationship can help, too, even if it’s as simple as spending 20 minutes laughing together on the sofa, ideally far away from your respective screens. Touch can also be a powerful tool, even if it’s as simple as holding hands or kissing your partner on the cheek, thanks to the litany of hormones that are released through kissing and hugging. Oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin can all contribute to how bonded we feel to our partner at any given time. “The truth is, connection doesn’t happen by accident; it needs care and intention,” says McFarland, who has worked on rebuilding the spark with her husband through therapy. “Just like a garden, a relationship requires tending. For us, that looks like daily rituals (a six-second kiss, a 30-second hug), regular date nights, even if that’s just turning off our phones and talking, and consciously responding to each other’s bids for attention and affection. That’s where the real spark lives.” (Photo: skynesher/Getty).