For people-pleasers, Christmas is a nightmare. These steps can help eliminate the stress

It's the lead-up to Christmas – that time when festive cheer takes over and women take it upon themselves to dream up and execute a magical day for their family.

This will include but is not limited to buying gifts for partners, children, in-laws, extended family members, friends, and possibly your son's clarinet teacher, finding the perfect Christmas tree, decorating your home, organising parties and catch-ups with family and friends, and planning multiple feasts.

It is no wonder many women collapse in a heap come Christmas Day.

Christmas can be a stressul time of year, especially for women.

While the festive season is a time for celebration and happiness, it can also be one of the most stressful times of the year and leaves many women feeling overwhelmed.

Nadine Muller is a life coach and mentor. She said women in particular were conditioned to believe it was their job to make sure not just that everything runs smoothly at Christmas, but that everyone was happy, often at the expense of themselves.

She said many women who put pressure on themselves to create the perfect Christmas did so because they have "people-pleasing tendencies".

And Muller should know: she is a recovering people-pleaser herself.

"This was me, through and through," Muller told nine.com.au.

"I would spend every Christmas Day with my husband and kids in the car, going from place to place, and spend all day in the car."

Life coach and mentor Nadine Muller can relate to people-pleasing urges around Christmas.

The catalyst for change came when the family witnessed a fatal accident on Christmas Day while they were driving from house to house.

"I thought, 'This is not just me. I am asking my kids to spend their Christmas Day in the car to see their grandparents, uncles and aunts, and cousins and everyone else. This is affecting my immediate family unit.'"

Muller, the author of the self-help book A Reason To Rise, said many people-pleasers ended up dreading Christmas, which should be a joyous and happy occasion, because they were exhausted and burnt out from trying to create the perfect day.

She said much of the pressure of organising Christmas fell to women.

"It's the woman in the family that tends to organise everything; not just at Christmas but all year 'round," she said.

Muller said she was a people-pleaser before making changes.

While many women had a natural desire to look after others, especially if they were the matriarch of the family, this became a problem when it came at the expense of their own well-being.

"It's OK to want to help people. It is in our DNA. We feel it at a cellular level," she said. 

"Where it becomes a problem is where we are making everyone else happy but forget about our own little inner child."

She said the first step of reclaiming Christmas was to identify if you have people-pleasing tendencies.

Many people-pleasers do things out of a feeling of obligation.

They might try to be everything for everyone, and spend their time trying to set the emotional climate for the day.

An example of this is walking on eggshells to keep the peace with someone who might be difficult, at their own expense.

This can cause 'self-abandonment' – that is, putting yourself and your needs last.

Muller said some people-pleasing tendencies came from a desperate need to avoid conflict.

"It can definitely stem from someone who has grown up in a home that felt unsafe or was full of conflict," she said.

"Having things perfect makes them feel safe.

"It can also stem from wanting a sense of worthiness."

Muller said people-pleasers often struggled to delegate or relinquish control.

"Their worthiness is often linked to their ability to do it all," she said.

She suggested women start by sharing the load.

"Try delegating just one thing. If you really can't let go of making dessert, maybe say, 'I am making the main dessert but I would love you to bring some fresh fruit'.

"Find other ways to share the load."

She suggests women who feel overwhelmed in the lead-up to Christmas ask themselves what truly matters.

"I have a lot of different traditions in my family," she said. 

"Some traditions are really beautiful, but ask yourself if you can hand it over, evolve it or drop it completely.

"What would really happen if you don't do something? Just focus on the ones that are most important." 

Muller said many women were caught up in making Christmas memories for their children, but sometimes focussed on the wrong things, such as buying matching clothes to create the perfect photo.

"Our kids don't remember what present they got. They remember us playing and laughing and cackling over something," she said.

"Don't worry about getting the perfect photo. Just get in the photo."

Muller suggests women carve out some time for themselves in the lead-up to Christmas.

She also suggested women carve out some time for themselves to re-energise in the lead-up to Christmas.

"Even if you are Superwoman or superhuman, there is still a woman or human in there," she said.

"Find a way to get back some of your energy in the lead-up to Christmas.

"Whether that is a walk at the beach or walking through Kmart alone. Whatever works for you."

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