How to talk to children about death, and one thing to never say

Talking to children about death can leave even the most open and honest parents feeling uncomfortable and lost for words. If a much-loved relative has passed away, should you talk about the details of how they died? If someone is terminally ill, should you warn children about what’s ahead, or keep it vague? “The overarching guidance is that parents know their children best,” says Julia Samuel, the renowned psychotherapist and grief expert, and author of three bestselling books, including Grief Works. “Research shows that whatever you say to your children should be through the lens of your particular family, and should fit within the context of that family.” (Photo: Supplied).

Don't say they've 'gone to sleep'

Samuel’s one rule is that children need to be told the truth, just as adults expect to be, but in an age-appropriate way: “We know that when children aren’t told anything at all or lied to, they will pick up on the fact that something is wrong, hear half-hushed conversations, and what they make up in their minds will be far more frightening than the truth,” she says. “You don’t have to tell them everything at once, especially if the circumstances around the death are complicated, for example, a road traffic accident or a suicide, but you should tell them something resembling the truth, because when children aren’t included, they feel excluded. Of course, this comes from a place of care and wanting to protect them, but what you need as an adult is often what you need as a child – information, support, and the space to have your questions answered honestly.” (Photo: Beyhes Evren/Getty).

Charities agree

Clare Bullen, head of support services at Child Bereavement UK, a charity that helps children and their families when a child is bereaved or when a child dies, agrees. “A younger child’s imagination and ‘magical thinking’ can mean that some children may believe that their thoughts or actions caused the death, and they can feel guilty. Not being given sufficient information in age-appropriate language can lead them to make up and fill in the gaps in their knowledge.” She advises using direct language like “died” or “dead”, rather than euphemisms like “passed away”, “lost” or “gone to sleep”, which might seem kinder. “But they can be confusing for children who often think very literally and may believe that the person will wake up again, or be found, for instance.” (Photo: Getty).

How to prepare them for bereavement

The same rules apply for what Samuel calls “pre-bereavement”, in cases where you know a person is dying. “Without being too detailed, you could say something like, ‘The doctors are doing their best for Grandad, but they can’t make him better. He is going to die, but we don’t know when’.” It’s natural for an adult to want to protect a child from conversations or information that will be upsetting, she says. “But children are much more able to deal with difficult truths than we may think, as long as they are told in an age-appropriate way, in language they can understand.” (Photo: Catherine Falls/Getty).

Encourage them to ask questions

With this in mind, it can be helpful to check their understanding by asking them questions about what they already know, says Bullen. “Explain what has happened or what is happening, providing accurate information in clear, simple language and avoiding any false reassurances,” she says. If the situation allows for it, it’s also best to give a child information early on, in bite-size chunks, she says, which allows them time in between to process what they have been told and ask you any questions. “And only give them the information they need at the time; you can always add more information later.” (Photo: WCT).

Show your child that you're sad

Samuel suggests keeping the conversation around death and grief going, long after funerals when life returns to “normal”. “Children learn to grieve by observing the adults around them. If you show your child that you’re sad, it gives them permission to grieve, too.” Grief may change over time and soften in its intensity, she says, but an important loss will always be a part of us. “So create touchstones to their memory, like creating rituals as a family – make your mum’s favourite shepherd’s pie, light a candle on important days, or wear a piece of her jewellery,” she says. “Continue the conversation about the person you’ve lost, and check in with your child to see how they’re feeling. The process of grief is facing the reality of death, and then continuing the bonds so that the love for that person never dies.” (Photo: Andrii Lysenko/Getty).