Five things you should never say to kids, according to a parenting expert
A parent will probably say around 100 million words to their child by the time they turn 18, according to research. But while it can often feel like they’re not listening, some of these will stick with them, bouncing around in their heads long after you’ve uttered them. Of course, we all love our children and would never intentionally hurt them. Even so, at frustrating moments, we may find ourselves repeating things from our own childhoods or reaching for the first phrase that pops into our head to control their behaviour. Over time, these can form our child’s inner voice and shape how they feel about themselves as adults. (Photo: Supplied).
How your words can affect children
If a child absorbs your words as criticism, dismissal, comparison, or conditional love, their echoes may still reverberate years later, even leading them to seek counselling to defuse their impact. The good news is that by pausing to think about how our kids might interpret our words, we can interrupt this cycle. Drawing on my experience as a counsellor and author of the What’s My Child Thinking? series, with clinical child psychologist Dr Angharad Rudkin, here are five things not to say to your child – if you want to keep them out of therapy. (Photo: Getty).
‘You’re such a good boy/girl’
This is one of those phrases that trips very easily off our tongues when our children are small. After all, it feels like a great way to get them to keep doing what we want, wrapped up in praise. However, when saying “good boy” or “good girl” becomes our go-to way of controlling their behaviour, they may start to hear it as, “I’m only loved when I behave well”, or “If I make a mistake, I’m bad”. Over time, it can create a “good child” mentality: compliant, eager to please, and afraid to disappoint. Girls, in particular, may internalise the idea they are valued more when they suppress their real needs or opinions. As adults, they may struggle to say no, doubt their worth, or rely on validation from other people to feel good enough. It can also show up as fear of making mistakes, anxiety and perfectionism. (Photo: Getty).
What to say instead:
If your child has done something helpful, comment on the specific action. Help them feel proud and pleased with their own choices, rather than dependent on your approval, or on perfect behaviour. For example, you could say: “It was so helpful the way you decided to put your own shoes on this morning. It means we have more time to get to school.” (Photo: Sean Anthony Eddy/Getty).
‘Go away, I can’t talk to you now’
When you’re overwhelmed or hurt by something your child has said, sending them away or withdrawing can feel like the safest thing to do, a way to regulate yourself before you say something you’ll regret.
Model emotional honesty while staying connected. Try: “I’m feeling really upset right now and need a few minutes to slow down. Let’s talk when we can both listen.” This shows that even when emotions run high, communication doesn’t stop – and that you always love your child, even when you’re in conflict. (Photo: Oleg Breslavtsev/Getty).
‘You’re just like your mother/father’
All children eventually pick up on tensions between their parents. But when you tell a child they’re “just like” your partner, especially when said with contempt, it feels like a negative label they will never be able to peel off. All the negative things you’ve ever said about your co-parent can suddenly feel dumped on them too. Children naturally see themselves as a mix of both parents, so when they hear this, they may start to believe that half of them is “bad” or unlovable. Telling your child this can also make them feel destined to repeat negative family patterns, rather than be free to become their own person. This could show up in therapy as confusion about their identity and as fears they never belong. (Photo: Getty).
Avoid comparing your child to anyone, either positively or negatively. If your child does something that reminds you of your partner or ex, check that you are separating the past from the present. Ask yourself if you’re reacting to your child as they are, or to feelings your co-parent has triggered in you and which are coming up again. (Photo: Getty).
‘It didn’t do me any harm’
As you watch your child grow, you’ll inevitably see them face challenges. You may even hand them some tests, believing it’s your job to toughen them up – because it didn’t do you any damage. If you also see them face painful issues – such as harsh treatment at school – saying this may help dial down your own painful feelings at seeing them struggle. The problem is, saying “It didn’t do me any harm” can make your child feel unseen, dismissed, or blamed for their own feelings. Your child experiences the world differently from you, and measuring their pain against yours ignores that. (Photo: Getty).
Recognise your child’s experience without judgement, while still encouraging their resilience. You could say: “I can see that that was really hard for you. It must have felt lonely and overwhelming at times. I went through something similar, but I know your experience is unique.” (Photo: Beyhes Evren/Getty).
‘You’re fine’
When your child is upset, if you tell them they’re “fine” and there’s nothing to worry about, these words don’t feel reassuring or calming. Instead, they can feel as if their feelings don’t matter. Other variations as they get older might include: “You’re overreacting”, “You’re being too sensitive”, or “Just ignore it”.
Regulate yourself first. Pause, take a breath, and offer a comforting touch or hug first. Then acknowledge how they feel. Try something like: “I can see that this hurts. Let’s talk about why it upset you.” As they get older, you can expand it further by saying something like: “Can I help you work out why this feels so big for you?” or “I can see why you feel sad, angry, or frustrated about that.” Being there to help young people name difficult feelings teaches them their emotions matter and helps them trust them. (Photo: Carnegie Mellon University).
