I look after my grandchildren two days a week – eight things I’d never do

Grandchildren are wonderful, but being a grandparent can be complicated. The problem is that grandparents, unlike parents, don’t have enough safe spaces to talk about how they feel. That’s what I’ve discovered since the first of my six grandchildren was born six years ago, and I started happily devoting two days a week to help with childcare. One evening on my way home, I got chatting to a fellow grandmother who felt she was always treading on eggshells with her daughter and son-in-law. “I would really like to know how other grandparents are working it out, because I’m struggling,” she said. “Everything’s changed so much since my mum used to have my kids.” That’s echoed by the many grandmothers and grandfathers I spoke to for my book, Grand Expectations: the Joys and Dilemmas of Being a Grandparent. Experts and researchers I interviewed for it helped me to understand more about the challenges, too. These days, grandparents have to tread a fine line between interfering and supporting, and sometimes it’s hard not to get things wrong. These are the eight things I never do, to try and keep the relationships around me strong.

Say ‘I wouldn’t do it like that…’

Grandparents naturally think we know best, and new parents often struggle. So it’s really tempting to tell them what worked for you. I used to think I was being helpful, until I looked back to how I felt about my mum’s advice when my own kids were little: irritated and defensive. Besides, parenting has changed in the 30-odd years since then, and grandparents need to keep up. Things have moved on, not only in practical matters, like weaning and putting a baby to sleep on her back; there’s also a new thoughtfulness and care about young children’s emotional wellbeing. The problem is that the grandparent’s golden rule – don’t offer advice unless it’s asked for, and never interfere – is almost impossible to get right. How can you not interfere when you’re looking after a grandchild and doing your best to support the family? It’s a fine line, and there are times when you’re bound to get it wrong. (Photo: Getty)

Ignore the parents’ rules

I know one grandmother who brazenly tucked her baby granddaughter in with a blanket, and another who wouldn’t stop letting her grandson have a late afternoon nap when she looked after him. Eventually the parents sent the little boy to nursery instead. I’m much more obedient. I follow my daughter-in-law’s set routines and meal plans to the letter, because I find it so reassuring to know exactly what I’m doing. It only works if the rules aren’t bossy or patronising, but they actually make me less anxious – looking after someone else’s kids is a big responsibility. Childcare is best seen as a job, so it’s important to know what’s expected rather than second-guessing what the parents want, and possibly getting it wrong. It’s much harder to be told not to do something (and much harder for your kids to tell you). The only thing I secretly refuse to do is give a one-year-old a big chunk of carrot or a whole strawberry, because I’m so neurotic about choking. In fact, if I had my way, I’d mash up all their food. (Photo: Getty)

Send endless cute snaps to my friends

An old friend gave me this advice: “What I’ve discovered is that everybody wants you to shut up about your grandchildren. Absolutely no one is interested. You show them the first photo maybe, but that’s it.” She’s so right. Friends understandably get irritated if you keep sending cute videos, especially if they’re longing for grandchildren of their own, although they’re usually too polite to say anything. The same goes for chatting on about your grandchild’s latest genius saying. What you can guarantee is that people will be much more interested in any problems you’re having, whether it’s with the son-in-law who gets prickly when you tidy up and sort the laundry, or the daughter who goes off on one when you drop hints about putting the baby in a cot. (Photo: Getty)

Assume I can be as involved as I want to be

Before the baby arrives, grandparents often make assumptions about how involved they’re going to be. They either expect to be needed a lot and are raring to help with childcare. Or they make it clear, as one friend of mine did, that they’re not going to be “one of those grandmothers who gives up her life for the grandchildren”. It’s a bit of a shock to discover that it’s not up to you, and it’s horribly jealousy-making if you’re longing to look after the baby and the other set of grandparents have already been asked. It’s simply not on to drop in whenever you feel like it, as one of the grandmothers in my book discovered: “When my daughter-in-law was pregnant I thought I was going to have to rearrange my whole life to be on call. But, in fact, I have to ask to see my grandson for a couple of hours. It’s like a negotiation. When I ask if I can come round, my daughter-in-law will say, ‘Thanks, but we’re just about to have a sleep,’ and often suggests another day.” (Photo: Getty)

Beat myself up for having mixed feelings

Grandparents often give themselves a hard time for having mixed or negative feelings. You often hear them apologising: “I know it sounds selfish, but…” or “I love my grandchildren to bits, but…” I’ve found it reassuring to discover that so many other grandparents feel equally ambivalent, and I’ve learned not to apologise for feelings that are actually just par for the course – most of the time, anyway! Being a grandparent is never 100 per cent bliss, despite what people say. Grandparents are bound to have mixed feelings sometimes, like when a promise to babysit gets in the way of something fabulous you’d really love to do. Childcare can be boring as well as fulfilling, and juggling it with work and everything else can get stressful at times. Above all, grandparents feel torn: they want to be close to their grandchildren, but they also want to get on with their own dreams and ambitions before it’s too late. (Photo: Anastasiia Krivenok/Getty)

Dismiss gentle parenting

Like a lot of grandparents, I’m a bit bemused by the endless choices that confront today’s toddler. (“Do you want the pink plate or the green one?”) It’s easy to dismiss the middle generation’s approach as yet another social media fad. After all, grandparents have seen so many parenting fashions come and go, from child-centred Penelope Leach to Nanny Knows Best. I changed my mind when a sensible American professor I spoke to insisted that grandparents should be willing to question their own views on child-rearing, and be open and curious about the next generation’s parenting philosophy. It’s not just about starting a conversation with your own kids, useful though that is. Sometimes it’s easier to talk to other young mums and dads about their ideas, because with your own children and in-laws, what you think is an innocent question can easily come across as criticism. In the end, even if you still don’t think gentle parenting is a great idea, it’s a big help to understand why your daughter never says no. (Photo: Dominic Lipinski/PA)

Admit I’m knackered

Not to my adult children, anyway. I don’t want them to stop asking me to babysit, and I certainly don’t want them suggesting I’m doing too much, because it makes me feel like a right old granny. (Photo: Getty/Iza Habur)

Forget that the first five years fly past

My two eldest grandchildren started school two Septembers ago, and seeing them march off in their navy blue uniforms made me a bit sad. It inevitably means I see much less of them. Gone are the days when my two-year-old grandson would shake with excitement when I picked him up from nursery. These days, he’d rather play with his mates – and who can blame him? How could I have forgotten how quickly your baby turns into a teenager? Perhaps time rushes by even faster when you’re a bit long in the tooth and you’re not seeing children every day. Thankfully, according to a friend with older grandchildren, the golden years are yet to come, when they don’t need constant supervision but still love doing stuff with you, and don’t get homesick when they come to stay. Grandparents have to keep finding new ways to keep the connection close, by tapping into what your grandchild loves doing. It’s just as well the older generation is far more flexible than we’re generally given credit for.