Please stop suggesting a date night – I’d rather you unblock the drain

“So we went to that fancy new restaurant – the one that’s just opened in Dean Street, and then a bar, it was…,” my friend looks at me with mixed emotions, “Great?” she proffers finally, and I see the deflation setting in. I feel her pain. Date nights. Who even invented them? Apparently it was a term first used in 1910, but for a long time it was an American thing. Now, you can’t move for it in Britain. Restaurants are full of knackered couples staring at one another, trying to muster up something to say that isn’t child or work-related. “This steak is tasty,” your spouse will say smiling, “Yes mine too,” you reply and sneak a look at the next table where another similar-aged couple are also talking about the “great quality” of their food. Of course some will look like they’re having a great time, maybe there is some footsie going on, and that just makes the night feel even worse. (Photo: Tim Pilston).

Are date nights essential?

Why doesn’t it feel more romantic? “Date night”, you see, is different from a date. Dates are when you meet someone for the first time or you’ve just started seeing them. It’s nerve-wracking (can be boring too of course), but it’s a different dynamic. It’s new. Hot. Fresh. Sexy. It’s awkward too. But you never have to see that person again, let alone live with them and raise children and pets together. You can walk away, or get a friend to call you and say there’s an emergency. You can’t really do that with a date night (though I know some couples are relieved when the babysitter calls and says their child isn’t settling and could they come home as soon as possible please?) But we’re constantly told we need to have regular date nights, in guides to happy, thriving marriages. (Photo: svetikd/Getty).

Clinging to life

That would be fine, if it wasn’t for the fact we’re wiped out and clinging onto life like it’s a raft. We don’t want to sit in a restaurant! God forbid! There is also a cost of living crisis. Factoring in food, babysitter, and transport there and back (maybe an Uber because getting a bus there and back isn’t very romantic?)…well you’ll be lucky to get change from £250. The suggestion of a date night, however, at least signals that you care and want to spend precious time together. “We really should have a date night,” is often the refrain when you’ve had a fight with your husband about the way he stacks the dishwasher and want to demonstrate that you overreacted, and shouldn’t have thrown his AirPods out the window. There are better times coming. (Photo: Kawee Srital-on/Getty).

Romance cannot be switched on

The problem is – if you’re reading this and thinking of planning a date night – romance is not something that can be switched on and off like a light. Just like it’s hard to morph from a corporate professional bossing PowerPoint, into a mother chucking chicken kievs into an air fryer, so it’s tricky to suddenly decide that romance must commence on the date night. It’s like the myth of putting on “sexy lingerie”. You don’t put it on, and suddenly the washing hanging off the radiators, and the strange smell emanating from the bathroom fades, and you’re transported into a Chappell Roan video – full of lust and fun times. Ask your friends if they honestly enjoy date night and most will agree. “It’s just American, something you see in romcoms,” one said when I asked if they were her “love language,” or not. “We always end up talking about the kids, even though we’re doing the date night to have time away from them,” another added. (Photo: Prostock-Studio/Getty).

The real romance

So what’s the alternative? First up, if you’re a husband and you notice your other half is looking frazzled…how about taking on even more domestic chores? I know you already do “more than most,” but there is nothing more romantic than coming downstairs after putting the kids to bed, and finding that the cat bowls are clean, the school bags are put away, and there isn’t a pair of inside out tights (with small pants inside) hanging off the bannister. That’s sexy! Oh and how about getting on the WhatsApp and finally figuring out how to order a hoodie for your daughter’s netball squad, so she doesn’t keep harping on about the fact she’s the only one who doesn’t have one with her name on the back? How about the drain? Is it going to get better from a date night? Is it f***! (Photo: Supplied).

The strength of a compliment

Does it require someone coming over, and sticking a giant prod into it, and pulling out the giant toilet block that disappeared down there last year? This is what women want. Tasks evaporated. Less work. Then maybe a good quality Netflix drama that doesn’t involve serial killers and women in ditches, and has a bit of raunch to it. Oh and eye contact. You don’t need a pricey restaurant to look at your partner. Look into their eyes. Notice that they had their hair cut and coloured two weeks ago, and you didn’t comment because you were rubbing Frontline on the cats back, to get rid of that flea infestation. And a compliment. Maybe just a simple – “You look gorgeous tonight.” And a cocktail in a tin (a nice bougie onein a glass with ice). Maybe wear something (both of you) that isn’t a T-shirt with Big Bird on the front and giant fluffy socks. Maybe put on some “nice pyjamas,” or a kimono or anything that looks like a tiny bit of effort has been made. That the person you are hanging out with is important. That you know that they’re tired and you won’t compete on who has done the most. (Photo: Getty).

Show your investment

Also try not to fart. If you do feel it coming, then exit the room and let loose in the kitchen. Drop some of those cheese puffs in a bowl – the Anthropologie one that cost an arm and a leg, and you complained because it was so expensive when she bought it for herself, but it makes her happy. This unlocks the heart of the modern woman. Not a steak. Or a trip into town. Or an overpriced glass of vino. Modern women are overwhelmed, and when partners take away some of that…they feel relaxed. They feel endorphins. They might feel sexy feelings. Romance is not just a way to convince your partner to have sex, but it might signal that you care. That you’re invested in this relationship and want it to continue. It’s a mini high five. I’ve got you. I see you. I love you mate. Better than any date night. (Photo: Maskot/Getty).