I regret having children, it has stripped my life of meaning

Laura*, a 34-year-old mother of two children (aged nine months, and two-and-a-half), tells The i Paper she wishes she could go back in time and resist the pressure she felt to become a mother. She says: The idea of my two kids not existing is traumatic, as I do love them very much, but if there was some sort of time machine that would also erase my knowledge of them, I would absolutely go child-free. I was always on the fence when it came to having kids, and I used to say I’d be child-free. (Photo: Charles Gullung/Getty).

Pressure is on

Yet I also felt the pressure of everyone telling me I’d change my mind, that I’d be so glad I’d have children. I wish someone who had regretted having kids had actually told me what their experience was like. Everyone talks about this incredible love you’ll feel for your kids. My mother said: “you won’t know what love is until you have kids”, how it’s “hard work but worth it”, and that having kids will bring your life meaning. I’m sure this is true for some people, but I have never felt this way." (Photo: Daniel Berehulak/Getty).

Serving one purpose

I love my kids, yes, and will do anything for them, but is it this all-consuming love that feels like nothing I’ve known before? Has it brought my life this new meaning? No. In fact, I feel like it’s stripped away all the other things in my life that gave it meaning, and now there is only one purpose, it feels, which is to be in service to my children. I wish I had known that not everyone will love being a parent, and that it is very common for parents to regret having kids. I wish I had known just how extreme the impact on my life would be. Everything that made my life what it was, has been burnt into ash. (Photo: Olga Rolenko/Getty).

Feeling guilty

I feel endless guilt for knowing the answer to the question: “If you would go back in time, would you change your mind about kids?” These feelings of regret I have make me feel alone in my day-to-day life, in terms of chatting to my friends and family. It seems like it’s this unimaginable taboo to talk about regret, so everyone gives you the Instagram version of their lives, or they add humour to any negative comments. Online in a “regretful parents” group it’s a different story. There is finally a space where I feel validated by other regretful parents, and no longer feel alone. It makes me wonder whether so many other people (especially women) are walking around in silence feeling the way I do. (Photo: Getty).

Unable to open up

I worry that if I tell anyone in my family or friendship group how I feel, they will think I’m unhinged and unfit to be a parent. I find myself telling them glossed-over stories about how wonderful my kids are.