I don't care if the McRib is real pork rib. This is America! | Opinion

I was shocked and appalled to hear there’s a new class-action lawsuit against McDonald’s claiming the deservedly beloved McRib sandwich is – and if you’re a McRib enthusiast like myself, you might want to sit down – not made with actual rib meat.

That’s BBQ-lasphemy. It’s also a gross overestimation of how much Americans care what’s in the delicious food we consume in gargantuan quantities.

The lawsuit, filed late December in U.S. District Court for the Northern District of Illinois, states of the McRib that “fans eagerly await each return, trusting that the sandwich they’re biting into is exactly what the name implies: a sandwich crafted using pork ‘rib’ meat, which is prized by consumers for its high fat content and rich flavor.”

OK, that seems pretty accurate. The McRib comes and goes from the McDonald’s menu like an occasional dream of pickles and magic and wonder, something enthusiasts of rib-like comestibles wish would stick around forever.

Lower-grade pork products? In a McRib? That seems far-fetched.

A McRib sign is seen at a McDonald's restaurant on Nov. 3, 2010 in San Francisco, California.

The lawsuit continues: “The reality, however, is far from what McDonald’s advertising and branding suggest. Despite its name and distinctive shape – its meat patty has been deliberately crafted to resemble a rack of pork ribs – the McRib does not contain any actual pork rib meat at all. Instead, its meat patty is reconstructed using ground-up portions of lower-grade pork products such as, inter alia, pork shoulder, heart, tripe, and scalded stomach.”

All right, Mr. CLASS ACTION COMPLAINT, if that is your real name, who asked you to go all “pork detective” on my favorite of all sandwiches crafted to resemble a rack of pork ribs? And if you think I’m going to Google what “inter alia” means and why you put it in italics, you’ve never read my treatise on the inviolable meat purity of hot dogs.

McDonald's stands strong-ish behind its beloved McRib sandwich

McDonald's has returned the McRib sandwich to select restaurants regionally in select cities, with more getting the sandwich starting Nov. 17 for a limited time, the company said.

McDonald’s, of course, has pushed back hard on this lawsuit, saying in a statement to USA TODAY that it “distorts the facts and many of the claims are inaccurate.”

OK, I’m not 100% cool with the vagaries that come with “many,” but whatever.

McDonald’s also said: “We’re committed to using real, quality ingredients across our entire menu. Our fan-favorite McRib sandwich is made with 100% pork sourced from farmers and suppliers across the U.S. We’ve always been transparent about our ingredients so guests can make the right choice for them.”

You see? 100% pork – a crystal-clear explanation that smartly doesn’t address the rude question: “OK, but which pork parts are we talking about?”

It's my right as an American to eat whatever I want without caring what it is

Let me state this in the most American way possible: I don’t care what’s in the McDonald’s McRib sandwich. I like putting it in my mouth, and if you tell me I’m actually eating scalded stomach reconstructed into a pork patty slathered in high-fructose-corn-syrupy McRib sauce, my response will be: “MORE SCALDED STOMACH, PLEASE!!”

The plaintiffs in the lawsuit had two surveys conducted to support their claims. In one survey, 67% of respondents “indicated that whether the McRib contained rib meat was either ‘important’ or ‘very important’ to their purchasing decision.”

Hah! I bet if you stuffed a McRib into each respondent's mouth, you’d get a different response, something along the lines of “Mfff srrrded strmmmch, preeesh,” which translates to, “More scalded stomach, please.”

McRib lawsuit harkens back to Subway tuna claims

SAN ANSELMO, CALIFORNIA - JUNE 22: A tuna sandwich from Subway is displayed on June 22, 2021 in San Anselmo, California.

An American’s right to believe in the integrity of the McRib is sacrosanct. This new attempt to ruin everything that’s good in the world harkens back to a lawsuit filed against Subway restaurants, spuriously claiming that the chain’s tuna sandwiches did not contain tuna.

The lawsuit, which Subway called “meritless,” was dismissed in 2023, and we all went back to eating what we assume is sweet, delicious tuna while also not caring what it is because of the aforementioned “sweet and delicious” part.

This is America, dammit. If you put something that resembles meat between two pieces of stuff that resembles bread and coat it generously in a viscous liquid that resembles sauce, we will not just put it in our pie holes, we will glorify it, blog about it, create TikTok dances involving it and line up outside restaurants to be the first to buy it.

And no class-action lawsuit about pork inter alia is going to change that, no matter how concerning those italics might be.

This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: I don't care if the McRib is real pork rib. This is AMERICA! | Opinion