Will my relationship last? I took three simple tests to find out
Will my relationship last for years to come? Are we destined to be together? I guess no one really knows, but I have enjoyed the eight years under our belt so far. No regrets. Of course, sometimes I’d like to banish him to the Holiday Inn for a day or two – and I know the feeling is mutual – but most of the time I think I made the right choice. There are a lot of green flags; he’s funny, kind, and an excellent dad to our son. And we’ve already faced (and survived) some tests – grief, the pandemic, a house move, a baby and all the accompanying sleep deprivation. I was under the impression all these signs were quite important for our longevity but it turns out I might have been looking at all the wrong things. If the internet is to be believed, there’s a far better way to predict where a guy is worth keeping around. (Photo: Photo: Teri Pengilley/The i Paper).
Sooner rather than later
Lately, a slew of “relationship tests” have popped up on social media, which women try out on their partners. The outcome is supposed to confirm whether your boyfriend or husband is a good one, or a wrong’un. Had I known about these tests, maybe I’d have done them a couple of months into the relationship, rather than waiting eight years and pro-creating and all that – but there we go. I suppose it’s never too late to figure out whether you’ve made a colossal mistake. So I tried out three of the most popular, extremely scientific (of course), relationship tests on my unsuspecting partner. Here’s how it went. (Photo: Teri Pengilley/The i Paper).
1. The ‘Orange Peel’ test
The theory? You’re supposed to tell your partner you’d like to eat an orange, but that you don’t want to peel it yourself. Then you see what they do. If they take it and peel it, without any complaints, they’re very thoughtful and you can be with them forever. If they tell you to do it yourself, that is a bad sign. The idea is that these little acts of thoughtfulness that partners are willing to do for us, especially the tasks that are a bit annoying, are rock-solid proof that they care. (Although on a relationship forum, I find about the orange peel test, a woman writes, “My ex was always peeling me oranges, but he was also narcissistic and cheated on me multiple times.” Hmmm). After dinner, when my partner is clearing up the kitchen, I try it: “I really fancy an orange,” I say. He goes to the fruit bowl and chucks me one. I miss, and the orange falls to the floor. He turns back to the sink. What does this mean? (It’s also not an orange, but a tiny soggy satsuma, because that’s all we have – but that’s not the point). He hasn’t offered to peel it. Oh god. (Photo: Tom Ang/Getty).
Pass or fail?
“Thanks,” I say. “But…could you peel it for me?”. He pauses the washing up again. “Er, sure,” he says, a bit confused, and does it. Ok, phew. I think this means he’s passed, although he’s supposed to have peeled it unprompted. But then again, he was already doing something while I was sitting on my phone. When I ask BAPC-accredited relationship counsellor Agnes Marrone about this, she says: “It’s good to be thoughtful to our partner, and to make each other’s lives more pleasant, and we’re hopefully doing this for [them], and they’re doing it for us, in lots of small ways”. Although she adds it (obviously) doesn’t have to involve an orange. It is true that my partner changes lightbulbs and cleans without asking. He also sewed the eye back onto my childhood toy mouse. “Game playing doesn’t prove very much, and there are lots of other ways a partner may be good to you. If you want your orange peeled, you should ask for it. Don’t assume they should know you want it peeled, or use it as a litmus test for the health of your relationship,” says Marrone. (Photo: Getty).
2. The Name a Woman test
We – well, I, and my partner unknowingly – moved on to a second test. This involves women asking their partner to say a woman’s name. What is the right response here? Ideally, he’d respond with my name. If he says any name other than mine – Kasia – I’m supposed to, according to the internet, start an argument. Other acceptable answers are Helen Keller (historical, inspiring) or Beyoncé (empowering). What you don’t want, apparently, is for them to say the name of very attractive, young actress Sydney Sweeney, who is both talented and wears a lot of see-through tops. In one video with over 2.2 million views, a woman’s husband responds, “Zendaya”. This is bad because men are supposedly only ever meant to think of you, and of no other woman, ever. (Photo: Catherine Falls Commercial/Getty).
Unconvinced, I pick my moment for the test – just as my partner reenters the room after putting our son down for a nap. “Name a woman,” I say. “Sorry, I don’t understand,” he replies. “Name a woman? Any woman? …. Sandra.” Sandra? Oh, the wooden bus driver in our toddler’s toy bus? What a harlot! We, for some reason, named her Sandra, and she features heavily in our lives. I almost wish Sandra were a supermodel who lived down the road, so I could have something, anything, to analyse here. But I don’t feel that Sandra is much of a threat to our relationship. (Sorry, Sandra). (Photo: Teri Pengilley/The i Paper).
3. The ‘Bird Theory’ test
After being uninspired by the first two tests, this one feels more wholesome. I’m meant to point a bird out to my partner, or mention that I saw a bird today, and await a response. If my partner responds with curiosity, he passes the test, but if he ignores me, then I should probably break up with him. The test – which maybe seems the least sexist and mindless of the three so far – is supposed to see whether a partner will respond to what therapists call “bids for connection”. This is an idea popularised by marriage researcher John Gottman. A study of his concluded that couples who stay married turn toward each other’s bids around 86 per cent of the time; those who split do so only 33 per cent of the time. The idea is that ideally, when you point something out or mention something of interest to you, your partner will say “wow” or “oh, right!” or muster anything at all, and therefore create a tiny moment of connection when you offer it, instead of just scrolling on their phone. (Photo: Digital Vision).
When I get home from work, I look ponderously out of the window and say: “I saw a bird today.” He replies: “Oh yeah? What kind? A pigeon?” This feels good (although I worry if the pigeon part is significant: does he see me as someone who couldn’t name anything other than the most bog standard bird?) I ask Marrone what I should take from this test. “In long-term relationships, making sure to sometimes pay attention in small ways and show enthusiasm for what your partner might notice, is a way to stay close,” she says. “People tend to be more satisfied in their relationships when they connect over the huge things but also those small daily moments.” Although she caveats. “It’s not realistic to assume someone will always do this, especially when stressed with work or dealing with something else. The bird theory test can get us talking about how we connect, but it’s not a substitute for actually doing the work, and talking about what you need from each other.” I’m heartened that my partner wanted to know which bird, and didn’t just dismiss my fictional sighting. As silly as it is, it does make me think that I should make sure to show interest in more things that he says. It can be easy to ignore these small moments in the busy chaos of family life. (Photo: Getty).
In conclusion
In the end, having done all three tests, I think I’m going to stick with my partner. I reckon we’re solid enough not to break up anytime soon. He mustered enough interest in the bird; he peeled me a satsuma when I asked him to, and he isn’t cheating on me with any Sandras, I don’t think. If I want to push this further, there are other tests doing the rounds online. There’s one which sees a woman squirt the kitchen counter with ketchup and then ask their boyfriend to clean it up. How the man responds apparently says a lot about him. The thing is, if I did that, my partner would (rightly) think I was an a**e, and probably consider breaking up with me before I could even work out whether he’s passed or failed the test. I’ll stick to pigeon spotting, for now. (Photo: Supplied).
