I’m a hostage negotiator – you can use these tactics to be a better parent

Make sure you’re listening
As adults, we’re exactly the same
The ’90 second rule’
The ‘no choice choice’
Using reflective language
Communication is a life-changing and life-saving skill

Make sure you’re listening, As adults, we’re exactly the same, The ’90 second rule’ , The ‘no choice choice’, Using reflective language, Communication is a life-changing and life-saving skill

A woman who spent 10 years as a hostage negotiator says the skills she learned have made her a better parent. (Photo: Tom Maddick / SWNS)

A woman who spent 10 years as a hostage negotiator says the skills she learned made her a better parent – and can help other families too.

Nicky Perfect, 57, was part of New Scotland Yard’s hostage and crisis negotiation unit for more than a decade.

The police officer of 30 years worked on the unit during key negotiations such as when ISIS took over Syria and kidnapped journalists and aid workers in 2012.

After becoming a step-mum in her early 40s, Nicky realised the communication skills she’d learned on the force could be used to help improve and develop her relationship with her then six-year-old daughter, Megan.

Make sure you’re listening

Nicky says that listening to your child’s needs is one of the best ways to earn their trust. (Photo: Getty)

Nicky, who lives in Risley, Derbyshire, says that one of the most important ways to earn your child’s trust is to make sure you show that you are listening to your child’s needs – and occasionally doing what they want to do.

She advises spending 15 minutes a week doing exactly what your child wants to do, rather than what you want to do or being sidetracked by things you want to do.

Nicky says that this can then help when you ask your child to do something in the future as it will make them more likely to do it.

“In hostage and crisis negotiation we work to the law of reciprocity: you give me something, I will give you something back,” she explained.

“If you give people time and a really good listening to, they are more likely to listen to you and hear what you’ve got to say.”

As adults, we’re exactly the same

Nicky says that speaking to her daughter about something she enjoyed made her more likely to open up about other topics. (Photo: Tom Maddick / SWNS)

Nicky gives the example of asking her daughter what she’d done at school, to which she’d often get the reply “nothing”.

She said: “As adults, we’re exactly the same – when I get home from work, I don’t necessarily want to talk about work.

“I found if I talked to her about something she really liked, she would start to give me more information.

“For example, she is animal obsessed – so I found if I picked her up from school and talked about the animals, even if it was just a small thing, like saying ‘you’ll never believe what the dog did’, the more she was likely to say ‘we did this at school today’.”

The ’90 second rule’

Nicky advises parents to not let their emotions take over – even when they are feeling frustrated. (Photo: Getty)

Sometimes, despite doing your best to listen to your child, you’ll find yourself getting frustrated.

This is when, Nicky says, it’s important not to let your emotions take over.

Instead, employ the ’90 second rule’ – where you give yourself a minute-and-a-half break before you respond.

Nicky said: “Most of us become emotional when we’re challenged about something.

“When we’re feeling angry or frustrated, we react rather than respond. When we react, we often say and do things we wouldn’t say or do if we were responding.”

Nicky says you can stop yourself from saying something you’ll regret by touching your head or putting your hand across your mouth.

“Ride it like a wave, let it go, and as you let it go and don’t react, you’re more likely to get rid of the emotion and logically respond,” she explained.

The ‘no choice choice’

The ‘no choice choice’ can be a good way to get your child to do tasks that need completed that isn’t met with as much resistance. (Photo: Getty)

Another technique Nicky has learned from years of tense negotiation with criminals and children is to give them the ‘no choice choice’.

She explained: “I often did homework two minutes before it had to be handed in.

“If you want your young person to do homework you can start talking about it before you even arrive home.”

She added that the car is a really good place to have difficult conversations as there is “no threat”

Side by side can also be a good way to chat.

“Start to sow the seed of what’s going to happen,” says Nicky. “Say ‘are you going to do your homework before or after your video game?’, or ‘are you going to tidy your room on Saturday or Sunday?'”

Like everything, this doesn’t always work with every child but it can get less resistance than just saying, “get home and do your homework”.

Using reflective language

Nicky advises centering your child’s point of view to help create a stronger connection. (Photo: Getty)

Finally, Nicky says it’s important to manage conflicts by using reflective language and centering your child’s point of view.

She said: “Imagine your teenage daughter comes home one day and you can tell immediately that today has not been a good day.

“You get home and you say ‘I can see something has happened at school today’, using observational language, and you say ‘what’s happened?’

“They say ‘I was standing in the lunch queue and Mary from the other class came over and told me I was ugly in front of my other friends, and then she left.’

“Most of the time what we want to do is wrap that other person in loads of love and comfort, tell them it’ll be alright, we love them, and that Mary is silly and don’t pay any attention to her.”

While Nicky says that response is “perfectly fine and great” she argues that what we are actually doing is telling the other person – not acknowledging – how they might feel.

“If we change that and use reflective language, and say something like ‘Gosh, that sounds like you were really embarrassed in front of all of your friends, I can only imagine how awful that was for you’, we create a stronger connection,” she explained.

“We’re recognising someone at a deeper level, rather than giving an opinion.

“That’s really powerful when you start to have more challenging conversations.”