Why so many women like me are giving up on men, and what we can do about it

“I just keep asking myself, ‘What’s the value of men?’” a friend says to me. She’s explaining how burnt out she feels by the sheer deluge of terrible news stories – men being the chief protagonists of the violence and chaos – while simultaneously dealing with her own imbalanced gender set-up at home; she is doing 95 per cent of the domestic load on top of working full-time, five days a week, with three children. I nod sympathetically. “I’m going to live in an all-female commune,” another friend announces as we walk her dog. “I just want to hang out with women, we can help one another and there will be none of this toxic masculinity sh*t to deal with”. I mull over the reality of commune-living (no privacy, group meals, arguing over who forgot to buy milk, and how long would all these women might spend in the bathroom…) But I do see her point. (Photo: Tom Pilston)

'Why aren't more men commenting on Epstein?'

Every woman I speak to is angry, much of this anger directed towards men. On social media, the algorithm sends me shocking facts about men (chiefly Epstein but for some reason also male serial killers?), and women then pulling these men apart. I follow one woman who remixes toxic masculinity content, and tears each comment down (it’s funny but I also feel my rage increasing). “Don’t you think it’s strange that more men aren’t commenting on the Epstein thing?” one woman says in her reel. I think about it and agree. I mentioned it to a mum on the school run: “Well, they don’t care. It doesn’t impact them. I think a lot of men would do the same if they could get away with it.” I’m shocked and don’t agree, but it feels maddening that so many women are traumatised and men seem… so calm? (Photo: Joe Schildhorn/Patrick McMullan via Getty Images)

Feeling like men are to blame

Of course, these conversations aren’t new – I grew up with a feminist mum in the 70s and 80s telling my dad to pick up his socks and take out the rubbish. It’s also true that sometimes women are going to let off steam to their friends, but these conversations feel different. When we’re continually fed negative news stories about men, or another toxic wally on a podcast is talking about women “going back to traditional roles”, while we’re picking their pants up off the floor, we can start feeling like men are to blame for everything. (Photo: Getty)

We don't want to shut men out entirely

It becomes easy to romanticise what life would be like if the domestic humdrum was equally shared, but we don’t want that to mean shutting men out entirely. Is it fair to amplify hate for our partners because of what is happening on the world stage – rather than them just forgetting to book parent’s evening? Perhaps the parents’ evening blunder isn’t related to all men being bad? (And this isn’t just mid-life women – a Vogue article titled “Is Having A Boyfriend Embarrassing Now?” has been going viral for months). (Photo: Getty)

'Radical decentering of men'

I spoke to Jennifer Cox, author and psychiatrist, about how many women are going off men. Is it just me and my friends? She explained how she’s seeing this disengagement amongst many of her therapy clients. “I’m increasingly struck by just how many of my patients are moving their emotional focus away from men. From the time of Trump resuming office [in 2024], there seems to have arrived a generalised loss of male-focused libido in women, which plays out across their decisions and choices, and spans age and background. The precise shape this radical decentering of men takes appears to differ according to life stage, but I can’t ignore the pattern”. (Photo: Getty)

'Lost young men finding solace online'

I asked her why it was happening now. “It appears to have picked up pace in light of [numerous] abuses of power, from the Pelicot case to the Epstein files,” she says. “And it’s clear that social media is contributing to this sense of mistrust and suspicion.” While this is happening, men are also being targeted with ways to harness their masculinity in unhelpful and abusive methods that contribute to the cycle of hate and distrust. “Lost young men themselves are finding solace online among figures who in turn abuse their vulnerability,” she says. (Photo: Getty)

'We need to unite against rage-bait'

Cox believes that one of the key reasons that we’re seeing the divide open up is because we’re not encouraged to spend time together beyond cultivating romantic and sexual partnerships: “Our society has never encouraged us to build intimacy between genders based on something deeper than [physical intimacy]. It’s as if the algorithm has learnt this, and is now feeding the fire for gender war. Women are suffering a group trauma, about which men are (ironically) feeling victimised. It’s a dangerous cycle. In order to unite against a rage-bait fracture, which benefits only toxic influencers and billionaires, we all need to work on our real-world inter-gender relationships.” (Photo: Getty)

Less scrolling - more connection

So that means less scrolling and more connection. I spoke to my partner about it recently, too, and asked how he feels about all this negative news about men. “I feel powerless, too. It’s terrible,” he said. “I have two daughters, and I want them to grow up in a world where they’re not terrified of men and learn that men they see online aren’t representative of all.” Cox believes we need to go back to the drawing board if we want to avoid a continual cycle of anger. Her advice is simple. “If we’re going to beat this, men and women need to finally learn to – first and foremost – ‘just be friends.’” (Photo: Getty)

Plenty examples of positive masculinity

This takes work and isn’t an overnight solution. It doesn’t mean giving your partner an easy ride either (women definitely do more of the domestic load and this needs to stop or they will run off to communes in droves). However, for me this also means dialing down my social doomscrolling, finding positive male role models I can talk to my daughters about, and navigating certain news events so they don’t become the only stories we’re exposed to. Also reminding men that they have to work to engender trust and connection (rather than immersing themselves in anti-women content). It’s true that I dislike Russell Brand just as much as the next woman… but there are also plenty of examples of positive masculinity out there. We just need to talk about them more, perhaps. (Photo: Getty)

We need to connect more – not less

And going back to Cox’s advice, this is a time when we need to connect more – not less. The scrolling doesn’t help – we’re often only seeing evidence that confirms our worst fears around certain types of men. Oh, and maybe watching more Will Ferrell content? He recently did a speech where he recommended women take over the world for a bit. “I don’t know what else to do,” he said at the Women In Entertainment Gala, “We’ve been running the show since, what, 10,000 BC, something like that, and we’re not doing so good.” It was met with laughter. But also hit a nerve. (Photo: Getty)