As a single man, I worried people would judge me for adopting

A growing number of single men are pursuing parenthood through surrogacy, adoption or fostering, and there was a record number of single-parent adoptions in 2018. A single man is eligible to adopt a child in the UK and the main factor is that they can offer the child a safe environment and that there’s a good support network around them. LGBT+ people in Scotland have only had the right to adopt children since the Adoption and Children (Scotland) Act came into force in 2009. Thomas Anderson, a gay man from Scotland, tells Kasia Delgado about his decision to become a father. (Photo: Thomas Anderson).

Ready for parenthood

Growing up, I always knew I’d want to be a dad someday, I had this real sense that I’d love it. I worried, though, that because I was gay, it might not be possible. It was a really terrible feeling to worry that it might never happen, assuming that I’d need to be straight, or at least in a couple, to become a parent.

Mixed reactions from loved ones

I was scared, though, that being gay and without a partner was going to be a disadvantage in the process, that I would get looks, judgments, and comments from people thinking it was strange that I was an adoptive dad. I knew nobody gay at my age going down this route, so I wasn’t sure how it would all work. When I decided to begin looking into adoption, my friends had mixed responses. Some felt nervous for me, that I was going to do it by myself, and they had reservations around how I’d feel if it didn’t work out. But mostly they were not surprised that I was going to try, because I’d always been around kids – I work in social care – and also when I put my mind to something, I tend to get it. I went to an information evening at St Andrew’s Children’s Society, a voluntary, independent adoption and fostering agency. They were so lovely to me, and treated me with respect and kindness. (Photo: Supplied).

Getting a match

So much work goes into the adoption of a child, from social workers, local authorities, the adoptive parents. It’s not like the old days where an adopter would wait by the phone for a call about a child; things are much more involved. I went to an exchange day where adopters talk to local authorities and adoption agencies to try and find a match. As an adopter, you get a sense of the foster carers of the children, and the social workers got to meet me. A few months later, I was fortunate enough to have a match. It happened quickly for me, but I know people who have waited two or three years. I was at work when I found out I’d been found a four-year-old son. I was overwhelmed, I cried, I laughed, I felt so many things. I actually almost collapsed in my office from the intensity of the emotion. I went home and bought a “Happy Birthday, Nan” card for my mum. It was the best present ever for her, finding out she was going to have a grandson, and that I was going to be a dad. Lots of screaming and shouting of excitement from my family. (Photo: Getty).

Rush of love

In the lead-up to the adoption, I met everyone involved in my son’s life, including his foster parents, his social workers and then I was introduced to him. Meeting him and spending time with him, it was definitely nerve-wracking and then there was no mad rush of love, no instant love. It just felt so completely normal to be with him. As soon as I saw a picture of him, it seemed natural. People sometimes say their world cracked open when they saw their baby for the first time, but for me it was just like this was meant to be, like I’d always known him. The first time I saw him, he ran to me and we just watched TV – it was normal, in the most amazing way. That’s when I knew that it was all worth it. (Photo: Thomas Anderson).

The transition

We had a transition week, where we built up the amount of time I spent with him. I’d put him to bed at his foster carer’s house, and then be there in the morning to wake him up. Then when he came to stay with me, the social worker stayed a couple of days to make sure all was fine. So much had been happening behind the scenes to get me ready for adoption, I was going to information and preparation groups to learn about the worst case scenarios, and I was as prepared as you can be, because nothing can fully prepare you. After I adopted him, I was on adoption leave for a year and while he was at school I went to extra training, putting the work in to equip myself with as many tools as possible that I might need in the future as an adoptive dad. (Photo: Miniseries/Getty).

Receiving homophobic abuse

I spoke to some local Scottish press about adopting as a single, gay man, because I wanted to raise awareness that it is possible, that if any single adopters out there want to be parents, they might be able to make it happen. I was the first single, gay man to have adopted a child in Scotland. I got some online hate – old-school homophobia, people saying nasty things, cruel and horrible stuff about me being a single man who has adopted a boy, as if there’s something weird about me. But I reasoned that if people want to judge you, they will, but I don’t take any of it on board. The people who matter in my life, in my community, were supportive and congratulatory. My son has had silly comments from other kids, not about him having a single gay dad, but about being adopted. “You’re adopted,” they’ve said, as if that’s an attack, but they don’t even really know what that means, it just sounds like an insult to them. (Photo: Rajesh Jantilal/AFP).

Encouraging others to have hope

He’s now started high school and he’s proud of being adopted – the students had to introduce themselves and he said straight off the bat: “I’m adopted, let’s move on.” I was surprised he did that, but well done to him. People are definitely much more surprised that I’ve adopted as a single man than the fact that I’m gay. There are lots of people out there who would love to be single adopters, but they probably don’t know it’s possible. I’d encourage anyone who feels they want to adopt, to look into it, and have hope. Make sure you have a village, though, because even with a village it’s hard. It’s really difficult to go through the adoption process, and it’s difficult to be an adoptive parent, but it’s a small amount of difficult compared to the amazing life you can give a child. He’s my whole world. (Photo: Aleksandar Nakic/Getty).