I relied on work for my social life. Now, at 54, I’m suddenly lonely

“I’ve never been the kind of person who has a million friends and that’s always been fine with me. I’m unmarried and don’t have much close family, so work has always been a place I’ve leaned into for the social element. I’ve been with my company for 11 years, and within a year my two best friends from the office have left for other companies or have moved to another country. For the first time, I feel so lonely. This is compounded by the fact that I’ve learned that there is a group of women in my office who are really good friends. They go for lunch together all the time and I’ve heard they even have a WhatsApp group together. They just don’t seem to like me and go quiet whenever I try to chime in with conversations I overhear at my desk. When I see them leaving for lunch together I’ll ask them where they’re going and they’ll look shifty, or they tell me and quickly hurry out, wishing me a nice lunch. I don’t know whether to try and get them to like me. Is this something I should be doing anyway?” From J, 54. (Photo: FG Trade/ Getty)

Advice from our expert

Hannah Salton is a qualified executive coach, career consultant, and former corporate recruitment manager. She spent eight years leading recruitment and talent initiatives for global organisations including BT and Allen & Overy, before launching her own coaching business in 2017. She has coached everyone from graduates to senior leaders, and has worked with MBA and MSc students at Imperial College Business School to secure roles in finance, consulting, and technology. Here’s her advice.

Easy to feel disconnected

Feeling lonely at work is far more common than we tend to admit. Recent research suggests that around one in four adults report feeling lonely at least some of the time, and that sense of disconnection has become more visible in recent years as working patterns have changed. Modern working life – remote and hybrid set-ups, leaner teams, constant change – has made it much easier to feel disconnected, even when you’re surrounded by people all day. Loneliness isn’t just about being physically alone – it’s about feeling unseen or excluded, and that can happen inside and outside of work. (Photo: SeizaVisuals/ Getty)

Work a 'social anchor' for many

It’s also worth saying upfront that work has become a social anchor for many people, especially if you’re single or don’t have a large family nearby. When close colleagues leave, the loss can feel surprisingly personal. You’re not just adjusting to a new team dynamic; you’re grieving relationships that gave structure, familiarity and friendship to your working week. That sense of loss is real, and it deserves to be acknowledged. I’ve experienced versions of this myself. When I first became a manager, I found work lonelier than I expected. I was suddenly responsible for people my own age, trying to balance being approachable and being respected, while also meeting business needs. It changed how I showed up at work, and it definitely affected my confidence. Feeling isolated at work, even in a busy environment, is something many people go through at different points in their careers. (Photo: Getty)

Branch out and connect outside of work

One thing I’ve learned is that it’s risky to let work be the only place where you get your sense of connection. That doesn’t mean work friendships aren’t valuable – they definitely can be – but it does mean it helps to spread your social energy more widely. Building friendships outside of work isn’t always easy, particularly as an adult, and it can take time and effort before anything feels natural. But it can be incredibly rewarding. Joining a class, a club, or a group linked to something you genuinely enjoy gives you the chance to meet people on your own terms, based on shared interests rather than shared job titles. Over time, those connections can grow into friendships that feel deeper and more chosen – and sometimes even stronger than the ones we fall into at work by default. (Photo: Jordi Mora Igual/ Getty)

Don’t force it

In the workplace itself, there are often ways to widen your circle that don’t involve forcing yourself into a group that doesn’t feel welcoming. Are there internal networks, interest groups or informal communities you could join or help create? In one role, I set up a simple initiative called “3 for lunch”, inspired by a former colleague who had done the same in a previous place we’d worked at. Every few weeks, three people from different parts of the business would be randomly grouped to have lunch together. It was informal, low-pressure, and it helped people feel more visible and connected across the organisation. Initiatives like this can be just as valuable professionally as they are socially. (Photo: Milan Markovic/ Getty)

Make an effort, naturally

As for whether you should try to get this group of women to like you, it’s a tricky balance. Making an effort is one thing; trying to win approval at the expense of your self-worth is another. Nobody enjoys feeling like they have to perform or people-please to earn a place at the table. It’s important to stay true to yourself – be friendly, open and kind, but don’t contort yourself to fit into a clique. Sometimes groups are simply cliquey, and that behaviour says more about them than it does about you. If it feels right, a gentler approach may be more effective than trying to break into the group as a whole. Is there one person you feel a little more comfortable with? A one-to-one coffee, a quick catch-up, or simply making small, consistent efforts to connect can feel more natural and less exposing.  (Photo: Getty)

Don’t stand for bullying

It’s also important to name the line between feeling excluded and being treated unprofessionally. If behaviour starts to feel deliberate, unkind or undermining, it’s reasonable to seek support. A confidential conversation with your manager can be a way to talk things through, share how the situation is affecting you, and explore whether there are steps that can be taken to improve the dynamic. You shouldn’t have to tolerate behaviour that crosses into bullying or makes your working environment uncomfortable. (Photo: Getty)

Work relationships matter – but they’re not everything

From a professional perspective, positive relationships at work do matter – they help with visibility, collaboration and trust – but those relationships don’t all need to be close friendships. Many people have successful, fulfilling careers without having best friends at work. Respect and ease of working together often matter far more than social closeness. Finally, while it’s always your prerogative to consider a change if a workplace no longer meets your needs, not feeling included socially doesn’t automatically mean you should leave. Sometimes this is a painful season rather than a permanent state, and things can improve with time, perspective and a few intentional shifts. Be kind to yourself, invest in connections both inside and outside of work, and remember that not being part of one group is not a personal reflection on you. (Photo: Getty)