I’m a couples therapist. These 12 daily habits will divorce-proof your marriage

Melissa Divaris Thompson has been a couples therapist for more than 16 years

Melissa Divaris Thompson is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in New York. She is married, and has two children aged 13 and 10.

After more than 16 years as a couples therapist (and having been married myself for the same amount of time), I can tell you this: relationships rarely implode overnight. Like most of the couples I work with, I’ve navigated grief, stress, parenting challenges and periods (or “seasons” as I call them) where, frankly, I haven’t exactly felt close to my other half.

People assume that relationships break down because of one dramatic event: an affair, a betrayal, a huge fight. Occasionally that’s true. But far more often divorce is the result of small moments that we neglect. Tiny ruptures, missed attempts for connection and resentments quietly swept under the carpet.

The good news is that the opposite is also true. Small, daily habits can genuinely “divorce-proof” a marriage. When couples call my office, they often think they’re coming in because of one issue. But when we look closer, the same themes appear again and again.

1. A simple hello and goodbye matter

This sounds insultingly basic, but most couples stop properly greeting each other (muttering “Hi” while scrolling your phone doesn’t count). Pause whatever you’re doing, make eye contact, stand up and greet your partner. Even an affectionate peck on the cheek usually works.

The same goes for always sharing a goodnight kiss. Resentment – one of the biggest relationship killers – creeps in when we feel unseen. These tiny, predictable rituals create emotional safety, signalling “you matter to me”.

2. Turn a small gesture into a tradition

Rather than grand gestures, the glue of long marriages is often an appreciation for the mundane. My husband brings me a cup of coffee (extra hot) every morning, as soon as I wake up. This makes me feel cared for – and he knows this because I told him this was what my parents did. Your partner isn’t a mind-reader, so don’t be shy about saying what would make you feel loved.

In return, I’ll leave him notes in his lunch box, text that I’m thinking of him, or just quietly get his laundry dry-cleaned when he hasn’t had time. Like gardens, marriages need tending; these small tokens keep the relationship “soil” fertile.

Divaris Thompson and her husband on their wedding day

3. Repair quickly – even after small arguments

All couples fight. Healthy couples repair. Repair doesn’t just mean saying sorry, though. It means coming back after a row and saying: “This didn’t go well. Let’s try again. Can we talk about what happened?”

For instance, my husband uses jiu-jitsu as his way to let off steam. Recently, he wanted to go on a day when I felt stressed preparing for a family holiday. “Really?” I complained, “I need you at home.” The next day, he admitted he’d been missing his sister, who’d passed away – he’d needed that outlet.

Instead of defending myself by reeling off all the things I’d had to do, I listened and understood. I said: “I missed that moment. I’m sorry, and I’ll do better next time.”

Acknowledging mistakes is crucial for repair. I see couples who haven’t fully resolved an argument in years. They’ve simply moved on until the next fight triggers all the old ones.

4. Learn the art of arguing well and ban the D-word

Never threaten divorce in the heat of the moment during a row. Once you put that grenade on the table, it’s hard to take back. Only say it if you mean it, otherwise you destabilise the entire relationship. When conversations feel unsafe, people stop bringing things up. That’s when problems don’t get resolved. Instead, they accumulate and eventually couples either fight constantly or stop talking about hard things altogether.

Some couples pride themselves on “never arguing”, but silence can be just as corrosive as shouting.

Other words I’d ban are: “always” (for example, “you always leave your dishes out”) and “never” (“you never listen to me”). These prompt the person on the defence to provide an example of a time when this was not accurate. Substituting “never” with “often I feel like x, y, z” will lead to more useful discussions.

5. Keep communications calm

When you’re angry or upset, you are not ready to solve a problem. Before launching into accusations, strong couples pause. They don’t storm out without explanation, but they might say: “I’m feeling wound up. I need 10 minutes. I don’t want to say something I’ll regret.”

If you’re the one asking for space – and this part is crucial – it’s your job to re-initiate the conversation later. Don’t sweep the issue under the carpet. Left unaddressed, resentment hardens.

6. Protect your friendship

Over time, many couples slide into being logistical partners. They co-parent, they manage practicalities, but they stop being interested in each other as people.

Friendship matters; you need to find space in the diary where you can remember why you fell for each other.

With two children (one of whom is neurodivergent) weekly date nights aren’t happening for us. But we carve out smaller windows of time alone where we don’t do logistics.

Sunday morning is ring-fenced for our coffee in bed. A walk together is just as important. Long-term love requires friendship.

7. Frequently check the state of your marriage

After years together, long-term partners assume they know everything about each other and how the other one is feeling. They don’t. I’ve known my husband since I was 9 years old, yet I remain curious about him.

I’ll often ask him how he thinks we’re getting on at the moment. When there is no obvious problem it can be the best time to smooth out issues before they escalate.

If things are seemingly going quite well, I ask that question once a month. If it’s been unsettled, more often.

‘Silence can be just as corrosive as shouting,’ says Divaris Thompson

8. Tackle problems as a team

One of the best pieces of advice I ever received was from the psychologist Sue Johnson, who said: “It’s you and your partner versus the problem.” It can apply to something small, like a cancelled flight, or something enormous, like bereavement.

Couples often take out their fear on the person closest to them – not because they don’t love their partner, but because it feels safer than directing it elsewhere. If you don’t recognise stress as the enemy, you start seeing each other as the enemy instead.

When my mother died, and three months later my husband’s sister died, we were both in deep grief. It would have been easy to turn inward and resent what the other couldn’t give. I’m sure we even did this briefly but, ultimately, we focused on being teammates. Sometimes that meant giving space; sometimes it meant bringing tea and saying nothing. Showing you are there in their corner creates security.

9. Ask: ‘do you want me to fix it, or just listen?’

This question has saved my marriage. My husband is in construction, so he solves problems all day at work. Early on, when I’d share something upsetting, he’d immediately offer solutions. What I wanted was empathy.

Now he asks me: “do you want me to fix this, or just listen?” Most of the time, we just want to be heard. If we find a partner is jumping too quickly to be the “fixer” and not hearing us, we stop turning towards each other and confide more in friends.

10. Share the mental load – but wisely

Resentment grows when one partner feels invisible or overburdened. Of course there needs to be an equal-ish division, but here’s the nuance: don’t delegate something if you’re going to micromanage how it’s done. That will only lead to irritation.

I’ve learned there are things I care about too much to give up, so I’m better owning them. Food is important to me, so rather than making my husband take his fair turn at the supermarket, and having him get the “wrong” brands, I take that job on. Other tasks I hand over: my husband, for example, helps with the maths homework, which I couldn’t handle. He also sorts the car, while I manage other paperwork.

Don’t set your partner up to fail. Set them up to win and have your own areas of responsibility.

11. Keep physical connection alive

Intimacy doesn’t just disappear overnight, it fades when it isn’t nurtured.

That doesn’t mean constant sex, which is unrealistic after many years. It means small, non-sexual touch. A hand on the back as you pass in the kitchen; a compliment; my husband even playfully smacks my bum – that won’t be for everyone, but I love it.

Sex is rarely just about sex, either. When couples feel emotionally disconnected, physical intimacy is usually the first casualty. Rebuilding that affection outside the bedroom stops you from being strangers.

12. Mind your tone

It’s extraordinary how harsh we can be with the person we love most.

I hear “you’re not nice to me” in the therapy room so often. So, before sending that angry text or making a cutting remark, pause. Ask yourself: is this kind? Is this how I want to treat my partner?

Sometimes divorce-proofing your marriage is as simple as lowering your voice and being nice.

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