‘I love him, but I’ll never live with him’: the couples with separate homes
Nearly a year ago, Jude Clay and her partner of six years, Simon, decided that for their relationship to last, they’d need to live in their own houses, rather than a shared one.
Having met on Tinder in 2019, Jude, 42, bubbled with Simon during the pandemic.
“I spent my time living at his house whenever my son was with his dad. We had this fake, idealistic view of what it would be like to live together. But really, we were just playing house.”
The pair purchased a house in Hampshire together in 2022, and started living out what they thought would be the dream scenario.
“We soon realised that those months living together in the pandemic were not reality,” she said. “When we threw in the logistics of a child [10-year-old son], stepparenting, work, bills, and general life admin – it all became much more complicated. [We had] both lived on our own previously, and had become comfortable in our own spaces, with our own routines.”
Jude and Simon started arguing about little things like housework, scheduling, routines, and parenting – leading them to wonder if the relationship was going to work.
“While we knew that we worked as a couple, living together didn’t,” she said. “Having lived on our own after our individual divorces, we were both very independent and weren’t ready to relinquish that in any way. We didn’t feel any need to stay in a situation we weren’t happy with.”
Over a tense dinner date out, the couple decided that while they wanted to be together, they wouldn’t last if they continued living together.
“We made a very grown-up decision that we would live separately,” she said. “He bought me out of the house we’d bought together, and I moved somewhere else just five minutes down the road in November 2024.”
Jude’s setup with Simon is what psychotherapist Dipti Tait refers to as “commuting couples”.
Caitriona McBride and her partner Daniel have always lived in separate houses as a way to avoid disrupting the routines of his three children.
“I’m seeing this more frequently than I did a decade ago,” she told The i Paper. “Relationships are evolving. People are living longer, careers are more mobile, and there is a stronger cultural focus on self-care and mental wellbeing. Many couples want to protect the spark rather than simply follow tradition.”
One survey in the UK found that about 10 per cent of people in the UK do not live in the same house as their partner. Dipti added that, for some, living apart from a partner is about preserving individuality. “They love their partner but also value their own space, their hobbies, or the rhythm of a solo home.”
For others, it’s a practical solution. “Work may take one person to another location, while schooling needs to remain a priority, as an example. Family commitments, such as end of life care, may keep one partner rooted in a certain place. Instead of ending the relationship, they create a new way of loving.”
However, Dipti admits that “distance can magnify misunderstandings” because without daily contact, the brain can fill in gaps with worry.
“Our emotional brain’s reassurance relies on micro moments of physical non-verbal reassurance like the feel of a hand in ours or the sound of a partner breathing next to us in bed,” Dipti said. “Without those daily cues, the threat centre of the brain can become overactive and quietly fill the body with stress hormones. This can result in micro insecurities, fuel intrusive thoughts, and even distort memory so that a delayed reply or a changed routine feels bigger and scarier than it really is.”
Over time, this low-level stress can drain energy, she continued, and might dull libido and chip away at trust if it’s not named and managed. “Couples who choose to live apart need strong rituals of connection and clear emotional check-ins so the nervous system knows love is present and the togetherness is tight even when the bodies are not,” she said.
Jude said their decision was “the right thing to do”.
“We would have, without a shadow of a doubt, broken up if this hadn’t been an option,” she said. “We are so much happier now.”
Jude is sure she and her partner would have broken up if they weren’t able to live separately (Photo: Jude Clay)
They’ve not had any serious arguments since living apart, and both are enjoying their own space and routines again. “Simon never wanted his own kids,” Jude said. “This gives him the ability to be an active stepparent but also have his own independence.”
The couple spend most of their weekends together, but haven’t had any sleepovers. “We both much prefer to have our own space during the night as well,” she said.
Jude recognises living in separate properties is a privilege as it’s not cheap. “The financial side is the trickiest part,” she said. They have a joint account used for parenting costs, date nights, and holidays, but for the most part, they pay for their own expenses.
Early on, Jude was concerned about “public perception” regarding their decision, but that soon dissipated. “Having been a single parent for many years, I know what stigma can come with some family set-ups,” she said. “But I also know how wrong that is. We’re all much happier in our respective houses – and that’s no broken home. I think there are some people who may be a little sceptical or confused – but my friends and family have been fully supportive. This works for us.”
Dayna Latham and her long-term partner, Tim, had never lived with anyone prior to moving in together.
“We found living together caused frequent arguments and stress, many of which were about money or chores,” the 29-year-old in Cheshire told The i Paper. “We’re very different people – I’m quite neurotic and he’s the complete opposite, almost eerily laid back.”
The pair, who have a two-year-old daughter together, decided to try out living separately in 2021.
“Tim now lives in a house a few miles up the road,” she said. “We see him most, if not every, day. He stays over frequently. But it’s reassuring and somewhat freeing to know we don’t have to be under each other’s feet all the time, and that if we ever do permanently break up, the change will be easier not just for us but for our daughter too, who is accustomed to our living arrangements.”
Though there is a high financial cost attached to their living situation, it’s worth it for their improved mental health.
Dayna and her partner Tim argue less since they stopped living together (Photo: Dayna Latham)
“We argue so much less since we stopped living together,” she said. “It also feels like a much healthier environment for our child than we would be able to provide living together full time.”
Modern love, like that of Clay and Simon, and Dayna and Tim, is “less about survival and more about growth,” argued Dipti. “Many people now seek a partner who supports their individual journey rather than completing them. Living apart can reflect that shift from dependency to conscious choice.”
Dipti also explained that with time apart, chemistry can increase.
“The brain releases dopamine when we anticipate reunion, which heightens attraction,” she said. “Couples tell me they miss each other, feel more romantic, and enjoy planning special times together. It can create a balanced lifestyle where each person nurtures their own friendships, work, and passions.”
Rather than being a “sign of failure”, Dipti thinks living apart can be a “creative way to keep love alive”.
“What matters most is that both partners feel loved, accepted, wanted, and safe. When they focus on the connection between them rather than the distance, the relationship can become even more vibrant and nourishing.”
Caitriona McBride and her partner Daniel have always lived in separate houses as a way to avoid disrupting the routines of his three children.
“Until recently, the girls’ mother wasn’t in a space where she could have her children stay overnight, so that meant she would have to stay in the house my partner lives in,” the 45-year-old told The i Paper. “This has worked well, as it means their lives are less disrupted and Danny can come and stay with me, thus giving us some time alone. I also stay over around once a week, which gives me some time with the three children.”
Caitriona appreciates this set-up as it allows her to throw herself into her business and maintain her independence.
“I run a business from home, which sometimes involves long days and isn’t really conducive to children coming home, getting dinner, and general family household noise,” she said. “And I’ve always been independent and am completely comfortable living on my own.”
With Caitriona living in an apartment, and Daniel in a house not far away, the pair appreciate their time together more, and don’t take each other for granted.
“When we have time alone, we talk a lot, and I think we check in regularly and are honest about what we need,” she said. “This is easily the best relationship I’ve ever had, and I think a huge part of that is because of how we communicate.”
Although they plan to move in together once Daniel’s kids are grown, the separate living arrangement works well for now.
Other people have expected Caitriona to move in and co-parent with Daniel, but she doesn’t feel the need to be “conventional”.
“The only thing that matters is that this works for us,” she concluded. “As long as everyone’s needs are being met, it’s fine.”
