How to escape five common marriage pitfalls, by a relationship expert

Relationship counsellor Karen Doherty: ‘I really believe that if two people want to stay together, they can’ - Sarah Weal

“Promise me we will never be like that.” It’s the sort of line the newly in love tend to whisper in each other’s ears, usually after watching an older married couple hiss at each other about time-keeping or directions.

But the sad truth is that nearly all of us in couples are doomed at some point or another to be the bickering duo in Sainsbury’s rather than cooing lovers gazing at each other in adoration. Arguing with one’s spouse is a near-universal experience and is the reason why so many of us lap up the voyeuristic thrill that comes from watching other people go to couples’ therapy.

The trend for broadcasting these therapy sessions started with Esther Perel’s hugely successful podcast, Where Should We Begin? – and a number of similar shows quickly sprung up in its wake. After finding a mass international audience on YouTube and then E4, the British show In Love & Toxic: Blue Therapy has been given a slot on Netflix and renamed Blue Therapy. The show’s relationship guru, Karen Doherty, a Brighton-based psychotherapist with more than 25 years of experience, uses her expertise to pinpoint exactly why the person they love so much has become the enemy.

The format of the show is familiar to anyone who has listened to Perel’s podcast and its ilk, but this time the focus is on young black and mixed-race heterosexual couples as they navigate various relationship obstacles. The intention was to highlight the unique relationship dynamics that exist within the black British community, and the success of the show has been proof that this was an ingredient that had been missing from the sector.

Netflix’s Blue Therapy focuses on young black and mixed-race heterosexual couples - Netflix

Doherty – who speaks with such authority, confidence and warmth that it is impossible not to trust her – handles each accusation and bout of tears with aplomb and expertly ushers the couples towards a more insightful and understanding future.

“I really believe that if two people want to stay together, they can,” she says over Zoom from her book-lined house. “I see so many couples whose relationships look like a nightmare on the surface, but there is true commitment, love, honour and trust underneath it all. I believe in that potential.”

The tenets of her advice are universal, and so we asked her to share her expert insights into the most common problems which beset long-term relationships.

Don’t let children burst your bubble

Doherty’s advice is not only for young parents. Before a baby is born, most parents-to-be imagine a future where they are united in love for a squirming cherub who looks a bit like both of them. While this can be true in the long run, the mix of exhaustion, stress and unequal labour in those early months often leads to explosive rows outside the nursery door.

“If you think about a couple, you have this lovely bubble,” says Doherty. “And then this little being is dropped in the middle: it poos, it wees, it screams, it doesn’t respond how you may have thought it would do, and it can be an absolute bomb.”

Whatever stage of parenthood you are at, Doherty believes that the key to surviving these years comes from addressing the issues you face as soon as possible. “There needs to be conscious communication so one person isn’t left alone thinking, ‘We have made a terrible mistake.’” Or, indeed, glowering with resentment for decades because they oversaw everything from nappy changes to disciplining unruly teenagers.

She also advises parents to remember they are allies rather than enemies – and part of that means not always putting the children first. This remains true even when an adult child returns to the family home and one parent immediately finds themselves more concerned with what their child wants to eat, watch on television or do on weekends than with their partner’s needs.

Doherty, the show’s relationship guru, has more than 25 years of experience - Sarah Weal

“Almost always, the problem comes back to the fact that the couple desperately needs to reconnect,” she says. “People come to me because they have de-prioritised the couple so much that they have forgotten what they were.”

Navigating the in-law issues

There’s a reason why mother-in-law jokes are quite so popular. Navigating the reality of your spouse’s family (how you feel about them, how they feel about them and how your relationship works when they’re around) is one of the most common – and least discussed – relationship fault lines.

One couple in Blue Therapy was clearly struggling: she was very close to her mother (to the extent that she was secretly sending her money each month), while her partner had little contact with his family and prized autonomy and emotional self-sufficiency. Neither position was wrong, explains Doherty, but their lack of communication turned it into a major stumbling block, with both feeling betrayed by the other’s unwavering stance.

“People often start with the best intentions, but emotions run very high when it comes to family,” says Doherty, “And what they actually needed to do was address this head on.” The problem is the assumption of sameness: “I feel this way about my parents or siblings, so inevitably you will too.” When that assumption goes unchallenged, resentment quickly builds.

Where possible, Doherty says, a couple should look closely at the similarities and differences between how they relate to their two families. “You need to be able to say, ‘I’m really connected to mine, and you aren’t to yours: How do we collaborate so this works for both of us?’”

Equally, many families are now having to negotiate the reality of adult children moving home with a partner in tow. “Over the post-war era, some sectors of the UK have fallen out of the habit of living with in-laws, but now the notion of intergenerational living is becoming a reality again,” says Doherty. “A brand new contract needs to be negotiated when extended families are under a single roof. Everyone needs to respect the clan and rules; regular meetings and communication are all of essence to ensure that the household runs smoothly.”

Doherty: ‘You will have married three or four people if you stay together long enough’ - Netflix

Money: the ultimate taboo?

Few topics expose unspoken expectations more brutally than money. According to Doherty, one storyline in Blue Therapy was particularly important because of how taboo the topic of money can be.

In this case, the man was being out-earned by his partner and going into debt trying to keep up. “We are in a changing world thanks to the education and increasing financial independence of women,” says Doherty, “and we need to remember that this really affects our notions of femininity and masculinity”.

Compatibility, according to Doherty, doesn’t mean earning the same; it means having the same views on how that money should be spent. “Successful couples are either lucky enough to start out with similar attitudes or are good enough communicators that they have worked out how to compromise,” she says.

There are a few red flags that Doherty watches out for: one is men (in single-income households) using earning power as a form of self-worth; another is women describing household income as “his money”. “I challenge that immediately,” she says. “Would he have that income if you weren’t caring for the children? Wherever you fall along that spectrum, the more conversations you have about how your couple will use its resources, the better.”

Long dormant money issues can rear their heads again around retirement. “Issues of dependence – frailty, health and taking responsibility for each other – are suddenly part of the conversation,” says Doherty. “And deciding how the money is now spent rather than earned becomes the new focus. Differences in approach can suddenly surface as couples have less distraction and increased exposure to each other. The best approach is to treat this new phase with curiosity, creativity and a real willingness to engage in the conversation and the potential differences in preferences.”

The intention of the show was to highlight the relationship dynamics that exist within the black British community - Netflix

Tech, lies… and a lack of attention

Is there anything more annoying than trying to have a conversation with your spouse while they stare at a screen making half-hearted grunts of agreement? Attention issues are a modern bugbear, and Doherty tells her clients to get in the habit of asking each other to put phones away in order to actually reconnect.

“Most couples don’t do any of this deliberately and often are totally unaware of the consequences [of tech addiction],” she says. “They have adopted habits that they don’t question. Changing these patterns can really improve the overall couple dynamic.”

Similarly, trust, which is clearly missing for many of the couples in Blue Therapy, is something that is built through what Doherty calls micro-connections: everyday acts of curiosity, kindness, generosity, accountability and emotional presence – and they need to be nurtured throughout a marriage, not just in the early days.

Asking each other:“What happened to you today? How do you feel? What do you need now?” These small exchanges reinforce safety, and without them we often create narratives in our heads about what the other person is thinking, which then leads to excessive monitoring or filling the gaps with suspicion. The toxic result is clear on the show, with one woman reading her partner’s text messages in secret and a man tracking all his girlfriend’s movements through her phone.

Men in crisis and what it means for couples

Watching Blue Therapy, it becomes clear that the men in particular are struggling to forge their identities as fathers and providers. Doherty believes this is no coincidence and explains that after years of basing her practice in Canary Wharf and working mostly with high-achieving businessmen, she has come to the conclusion it is males who are floundering.

“A lot of the old modelling for relationships doesn’t work in the current environment where men and women are playing equal but connected parts,” she says. “For a swathe of men, there is real difficulty in working out if they fit into the old model or the new model.”

This problem, she believes, is exacerbated by a lack of male mentorship. “So many people weigh in on the side of women because women have been underprivileged for so long, but in my professional life I have seen the huge challenges that men are facing and have little help in meeting.”

Men in crisis, she explains, can badly affect a marriage – not least because if one person is confused by their role and is struggling to develop, then the whole couple wobbles. Doherty advises women in this situation to be patient with their partners and to listen and sympathise where they can, instead of jumping to negative conclusions.

“A good couple will provide a container for you to work through your identities as they shift and change,” she says. “I love the idea that you will have married three or four people if you stay together long enough; it is absolutely true and is something that’s worth remembering in the good and bad times.”

Blue Therapy premieres on Netflix on Wednesday 4 March

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