Young daters confront a relationship killer: the 'swag gap'

Iterations of the swag gap have plagued couples for centuries. But Gen Z is putting its own stamp on it.

Dillon Escourse had meticulously curated his statement look for a recent date at a bar in Houston. He arrived wearing a thrifted orange zip-up hoodie, a camouflage cropped tee and boot-cut jeans—an aesthetic designed to complement the venue’s Latin and jazz scene.

His date, whom he had been seeing for a couple of months, showed up in black Lululemon leggings, an oversize gray sweatshirt and dirty Nike Air Forces.

The “casual chic” look didn’t go over well with Escourse, who said the outfit didn’t match the vibe of the bar and took her choice of clothing as a personal slight.

“You want to look good for the person you’re with, not throw on pajama pants and Crocs,” said Escourse, a 20-year-old student at the University of Houston. “It felt like a smack in the face.”

Dillon Escourse plans to implement a more rigorous vetting process.

Escourse is wrestling with a dating obstacle that members of his generation call the “swag gap.” The term refers to a fundamental difference in the way two people carry and present themselves that goes beyond the beauty-meets-brain dynamic long depicted in popular culture. It’s more of an “I’m dressed for a cocktail hour and my partner is dressed for a remote workday” situation. And if the cautionary tales on social media are any indication, it’s a misalignment that should serve as a flashing signal to get out before someone gets hurt.

Escourse heeded the warnings and ended the nascent relationship shortly after the date. He plans to implement a more rigorous vetting process to see if his style matches the person he’s dating. “I want people who pass us in the street to say that we go well together,” he said.

Iterations of the swag gap have plagued couples for centuries. Cave men and cave women probably wrestled with style imbalances. But Gen Z is putting its own stamp on it, turning an age-old relationship strain into an instantly diagnosable flaw.

Like most movements, this one was powered by an internet meme about women in heels and men in Crocs.

In 2023, model Hailey Bieber was photographed en route to an event for her skin care brand in a red strapless dress with heels and a purse to match. Beside her was her husband, Justin Bieber, in a gray hoodie with matching shorts and a pink cap. His pairing of white socks and yellow Crocs stood out as a particular stylistic transgression.

“Is it too late now to say sorry?” opened a New York Post article about the pop star’s fashion breach. “Grounds for divorce?” read a headline in the South China Morning Post. “Taking ‘he’s just Ken’ to new heights,” said Glamour.

Viewers noted a swag gap between record producer Benny Blanco and singer Selena Gomez when the newlyweds appeared on the ‘Tonight Show.’

More recently, newlyweds Selena Gomez and Benny Blanco have also been found guilty of the infamous swag gap. She was spotted on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon earlier this year wearing a black dress and heels, while her husband showed up in ripped jeans and an unbuttoned shirt.

There’s no indication a swag gap is getting between the two celebrity couples.

For some, the swag gap is less about aesthetic misalignment than imbalance of self-worth.

Ronnie Watts, 24, said being swaggy means having confidence, and being threatened by that confidence can lead to a swag gap. “If they see your swag as a threat to their swag, you have a problem,” she said.

Ronnie Watts said the swag gap isn’t always obvious from the start.

One challenge, said Watts, is that the swag gap isn’t always obvious from the start. The Columbia University grad student was recently in a “situationship”—Gen Z’s term for a romantic entanglement that exists somewhere between friendship and a relationship—with a man who initially expressed admiration for her achievements. Then signs of resentment and jealousy began to trickle out and before long she realized she was deep in a swag gap.

Watts says you may already be attached once you notice the signs—they start a fight after a big event in the partner’s life, give backhanded compliments, monopolize the conversation—but it’s not worth sticking around. “I tried for months, but as long as he was threatened by me, he would never have my best interest at heart,” she said. “Bending over backwards won’t fix them.”

Julie Nguyen, who works as a love coach in Los Angeles, said the aesthetic and personality elements of a swag gap are connected. “Clothes can be a stand-in for someone’s social status and, over time, the swag gap can raise deeper questions around worth, desirability and social value,” she said.

Halle Gilbert was in a long-term relationship when she realized she was on the other side of the gap. The 30-year-old artist from Idaho found herself lacking confidence and routinely deferring to her older partner, a dynamic she attributed in part to a disparity in life experience. She ended things after two years when she realized the gap couldn’t be bridged.

After being on the other side of the gap, Halle Gilbert plans to seek out partners who are stylistically aligned in every sense.

Now she leaves nothing to chance, seeking out partners who are stylistically aligned in every sense. “One of the first things I look for in a partner is their interest in fashion,” she said. “I wouldn’t date someone with a swag gap in that sense either.”

“If you’re aiming for optimal swag, you both have to be on the same page,” she added. “But I suppose an accountant and a DJ could have a narrow swag gap too.”