Top 10+ passive-aggressive phrases you shouldn’t use with your friends

Friendships are supposed to be a source of comfort, joy and support. But even in the closest relationships, communication can break down, leading to tension. 

“In friendship, like in all human relationships, misunderstandings and hurt feelings are inevitable,” said Vanessa Cornell, a friendship expert and founder of the community support network NUSHU. “What really determines the strength and resilience of a friendship is how those moments are handled. One of the quickest ways to undermine healthy communication is falling into passive aggression.”

Passive aggression is basically expressing your negative feelings in ways that are not direct. Some classic passive-aggressive behaviors include not replying to texts or changing the subject in conversation to avoid acknowledging what someone said. You might flake on invitations you previously said yes to, or you might ice someone out by being less warm and excluding them from your plans.

“Giving a friend the silent treatment rather than telling her what you are upset about is passive-aggressive,” said Irene S. Levine, a clinical psychologist and friendship expert. “It is a way to upset and punish the other person. A roommate who slams doors as she goes from room to room because she is upset about her friend not assuming her share of responsibilities for cleaning up that apartment. She is acting angry without saying anything.”

Passive aggression also often manifests verbally through your choice of words and tone. 

“Instead of openly sharing what’s going on emotionally, the message comes out in subtle ways, through sarcasm, withdrawal, backhanded comments or small digs that don’t quite say what needs to be said,” noted Thais Gibson, a relationship expert and founder of The Personal Development School.

It’s a natural tendency, particularly for people who are uncomfortable with conflict and confrontation.

“They may worry that the other person will blow up at them,” Levine said. “They may want to maintain a veneer of niceness. They may worry about losing the friendship.”

Many folks simply don’t have the tools to express their feelings in a productive way. And there’s a lot of fear around being misunderstood. 

“They also may have grown up with passive-aggressive parents, and have been conditioned to believe that it’s a safe way to express anger,” said psychotherapist Meg Gitlin. “I also think that culturally, there’s an expectation that good friends aren’t judgmental, which can be challenging as people are often hardwired to feel and express judgment.”

Avoiding confrontation and finding more indirect ways to express your feelings can feel easier or even more socially acceptable in certain contexts. Passive aggression might also seem like a good way to relieve tension in the short term.

But this approach is counterproductive to the longevity and health of a friendship. Failing to address the negative feelings doesn’t make them go away and instead just creates misunderstanding and distance. Below, relationship experts break down some common passive-aggressive phrases and statements from friends and share the healthier alternatives.

‘Wow, must be nice.’

“This phrase often masks feelings like hurt, jealousy or feeling overlooked,” Gibson said. “Rather than naming the emotion directly, it comes out as sarcasm, which can create distance instead of understanding.”

You might say this after your friend casually mentions a luxurious vacation with a different group or an exciting life update that you secretly feel jealous or excluded from.

“A more supportive alternative would be, ‘I’m noticing I feel a bit left out, and I’d really like to talk about that,’” Gibson said.

Levine similarly advised against undermining your friend’s positive experiences, achievements, or talents with sarcastic or otherwise passive-aggressive remarks. 

“An example would be ‘You probably got promoted because you put in all that overtime,’” she said. “This downplays a friend’s talents and accomplishments, attributing the promotion to working many hours. This may stem from jealousy or anger that the friend has less time for her.”

‘It’s fine.’

“This becomes passive-aggressive when it’s said while someone is clearly upset,” Gibson said. “The words suggest neutrality, but the tone, energy or behavior communicates something very different.”

Underneath the veneer of a passive-aggressive “fine” is usually another sentiment: “Something doesn’t feel okay, but I’m not sure how, or if it’s safe, to say what it is.”

“A more supportive alternative would be ‘I’m feeling a bit bothered and need a little time, but I do want to talk about it,’” Gibson added. 

‘Not sure if you’ve gotten my texts but…’

“This statement on the surface may sound benign, but what it communicates subtly is that you’re unhappy with the response rate you’ve been getting,” Moore said.

But, in keeping with the pattern, the healthier option is to communicate that feeling more directly.

Moore suggested a message more along the lines of “Hey, I’m feeling a bit neglected by you lately because you haven’t been responding to my texts the way you used to. Is there something we need to work out? Let me know because I miss you a lot.”

‘I guess you don’t think it’s important to spend time with your friends.’

This is another statement that puts a lot on your friend, rather than tackling the negative emotions you’re feeling.

“Try ‘When you canceled plans to spend time with your boyfriend, I felt hurt because it felt like our friendship wasn’t being prioritized,’” Cornell said.

She recommended a helpful formula for direct communication: I feel [insert emotion] when [insert behavior or situation] because [impact or reason.] So for example: “I felt hurt when you canceled our plans because I was really looking forward to spending time together.”

“These conversations become valuable information,” Cornell said. “They help my friends understand what I need, what I’m sensitive to, how I receive things, or even whether I misunderstood something. You can’t really care for your friends well if you don’t know how they tick.”