Four signs a friend is bad for you – and how to cut ties in a healthy way

Friendship 'rules' aren't as defined as romantic relationships, You feel anxious or drained after interacting with them, You're doing all of the heavy lifting, They are spreading toxicity, Other people can see there's an issue, How to raise issues with a 'bad' or difficult friend, Be curious about what might be driving their behaviour, How to know when to move on from a bad friendship, Moving on doesn't need to mean a dramatic 'break up'

You may have heard that having “hasslers”, people who bring stress into your life, can age you, and I was delighted to discover that by shedding negative friends, I may have added years to my life. One of my only regrets is that I didn’t part company with negative forces in my life sooner, but only with hindsight could I see the effect they had on me. So, how do you spot a friend who’s bad for your wellbeing before they start to affect your health? You’d think it would be easy, but Hannah Carmichael, a friendship and connection coach based in Kent, explains that, unlike spotting the red flags in a romantic partner, it may be harder to spot negative traits in a friend. Carmichael was recommended to me by a therapist. Her previous work as vice chair of charity Depaul UK, led to an OBE in 2016 for services to Homeless and Vulnerable Young People. Hannah left the corporate world burnt out and decided to train as a friendship coach after recognising that loneliness was leading to a crisis of connection, which could have major mental health consequences.  (Photo: Supplied)

Friendship 'rules' aren't as defined as romantic relationships

Friendship 'rules' aren't as defined as romantic relationships, You feel anxious or drained after interacting with them, You're doing all of the heavy lifting, They are spreading toxicity, Other people can see there's an issue, How to raise issues with a 'bad' or difficult friend, Be curious about what might be driving their behaviour, How to know when to move on from a bad friendship, Moving on doesn't need to mean a dramatic 'break up'

“We live in a culture where the ‘rules’ of romantic relationships are much more clearly defined. That’s just not the case for friendship,” she explains. “Because we typically have more than one friendship, we are meant to be more forgiving of things that aren’t working, meaning we often tolerate behaviours in friendships that we might not in romantic partnerships, and often take longer to realise that there’s even anything wrong.” Carmichael shares ways to spot a friendship that may be bad for your health and wellbeing, and steps you can take to either address the issue or move on. (Photo: Getty)

You feel anxious or drained after interacting with them

Friendship 'rules' aren't as defined as romantic relationships, You feel anxious or drained after interacting with them, You're doing all of the heavy lifting, They are spreading toxicity, Other people can see there's an issue, How to raise issues with a 'bad' or difficult friend, Be curious about what might be driving their behaviour, How to know when to move on from a bad friendship, Moving on doesn't need to mean a dramatic 'break up'

Carmichael says, if you usually come away from time with your friend feeling anxious, unsettled, down, drained, flat, angry, frustrated, resentful, or like a less-capable version of yourself, then that’s worth paying attention to. “Other feelings to watch out for are that you’re on guard when you’re around them – rehearsing what you’re going to say, monitoring their reactions, unable to relax or fully be yourself. Or that you feel anxious in the run up to seeing them (and guilty for it). Or that they regularly say or do things that leave you feeling hurt or misunderstood.” (Photo: Getty)

You're doing all of the heavy lifting

Friendship 'rules' aren't as defined as romantic relationships, You feel anxious or drained after interacting with them, You're doing all of the heavy lifting, They are spreading toxicity, Other people can see there's an issue, How to raise issues with a 'bad' or difficult friend, Be curious about what might be driving their behaviour, How to know when to move on from a bad friendship, Moving on doesn't need to mean a dramatic 'break up'

“If you’re the one that’s always initiating contact, making plans, listening to and supporting a friend with their problems, then you could be in a friendship that’s not serving you particularly well. Being inconsistent can also be a sign that this isn’t a healthy person to be in a friendship with – for example, being warm when it’s just you and them, then treating you coldly or dismissively when there are other people in the room,” explains Carmichael. (Photo: Getty)

They are spreading toxicity

Friendship 'rules' aren't as defined as romantic relationships, You feel anxious or drained after interacting with them, You're doing all of the heavy lifting, They are spreading toxicity, Other people can see there's an issue, How to raise issues with a 'bad' or difficult friend, Be curious about what might be driving their behaviour, How to know when to move on from a bad friendship, Moving on doesn't need to mean a dramatic 'break up'

Carmichael says to look for subtle toxicity, which can show up in behaviours like giving backhanded compliments. “Other behaviours are more obviously toxic – using information you’ve shared in confidence against you, gossiping about you, undermining your achievements, dismissing your feelings, competing with you rather than celebrating when something good happens, or making passive-aggressive comments.” (Photo: Getty)

Other people can see there's an issue

Friendship 'rules' aren't as defined as romantic relationships, You feel anxious or drained after interacting with them, You're doing all of the heavy lifting, They are spreading toxicity, Other people can see there's an issue, How to raise issues with a 'bad' or difficult friend, Be curious about what might be driving their behaviour, How to know when to move on from a bad friendship, Moving on doesn't need to mean a dramatic 'break up'

Carmichael says that if you are wondering whether there’s an issue with a particular friend, ask other people who know you both what they think of your friendship. She explains, “Often if there’s a problem, it will be as clear to other people – and we can often save a lot of time simply by asking those around us what they think.” (Photo: Getty)

How to raise issues with a 'bad' or difficult friend

Friendship 'rules' aren't as defined as romantic relationships, You feel anxious or drained after interacting with them, You're doing all of the heavy lifting, They are spreading toxicity, Other people can see there's an issue, How to raise issues with a 'bad' or difficult friend, Be curious about what might be driving their behaviour, How to know when to move on from a bad friendship, Moving on doesn't need to mean a dramatic 'break up'

Carmichael says not every difficult friendship is fundamentally unhealthy. “Sometimes, what looks like someone being a bad friend is actually a good friend going through a hard time. Before you make any hard decisions, it’s often worth trying to address what’s not working. When you do raise something, choose a calm moment, try to do it in person, and focus on your experience rather than accusations. ‘I’ve been feeling a bit disconnected from us lately’ opens a door. ‘You never make an effort’ definitely doesn’t,” says Carmichael. (Photo: Getty)

Be curious about what might be driving their behaviour

Friendship 'rules' aren't as defined as romantic relationships, You feel anxious or drained after interacting with them, You're doing all of the heavy lifting, They are spreading toxicity, Other people can see there's an issue, How to raise issues with a 'bad' or difficult friend, Be curious about what might be driving their behaviour, How to know when to move on from a bad friendship, Moving on doesn't need to mean a dramatic 'break up'

As Carmichael explains, “People who take without giving are often running on empty themselves, just as people who undermine others are frequently insecure. That doesn’t mean their behaviour is acceptable – but understanding it can help you decide whether it’s something to work through together or simply a sign of incompatibility.” If you’re not ready for a direct conversation, a gentle reduction in contact can help you test the waters without confrontation. “Sometimes the friendship recalibrates naturally. Sometimes your friend will ask what’s going on, in which case you have an opportunity to bring up what’s been on your mind.” (Photo: Getty)

How to know when to move on from a bad friendship

Friendship 'rules' aren't as defined as romantic relationships, You feel anxious or drained after interacting with them, You're doing all of the heavy lifting, They are spreading toxicity, Other people can see there's an issue, How to raise issues with a 'bad' or difficult friend, Be curious about what might be driving their behaviour, How to know when to move on from a bad friendship, Moving on doesn't need to mean a dramatic 'break up'

There’s no formula for knowing exactly when to move on from a friendship that’s not serving you, and this is something a lot of people find hard. Carmichael has some questions that may help point you in the right direction. Has anything changed – or has it always been like this? Most friendships go through patches where it can feel like one person is doing more of the heavy lifting. But if things have felt hard for a long time – and particularly if you’ve spoken to your friend about your concerns and nothing’s changed – then it might be time to start questioning whether your friendship is ever going to be the relationship you want it to be. Is what you’re getting from the friendship worth what it’s costing you? Are the positives worth the pain? Sometimes the cost in terms of your time, energy, peace, money or whatever else is at stake is just too high. What are you staying for? Loyalty and history are real and valuable things. But they’re not by themselves reasons to stay in a friendship that is making you feel small. If the honest answer is “I stay out of guilt” or “I don’t know how to leave”, that’s worth exploring. (Photo: Getty)

Moving on doesn't need to mean a dramatic 'break up'

Friendship 'rules' aren't as defined as romantic relationships, You feel anxious or drained after interacting with them, You're doing all of the heavy lifting, They are spreading toxicity, Other people can see there's an issue, How to raise issues with a 'bad' or difficult friend, Be curious about what might be driving their behaviour, How to know when to move on from a bad friendship, Moving on doesn't need to mean a dramatic 'break up'

Moving on from a bad friendship doesn’t have to involve a dramatic “break up”. Sometimes, you can just slowly start reducing how much of your time you put into the friendship. Lengthening the amount of time between their message and your reply, suggesting dates to meet in two weeks rather than one and so on. Carmichael has seen the benefits of letting bad friendships go first-hand: “I’ve known people who have transformed their social lives simply by releasing one friendship that was taking up disproportionate emotional space. It’s not about being harsh or writing people off. It’s about being honest that you only have so much energy to give – and choosing carefully where it goes.” (Photo: Getty)

Post Related