Oldest, middle or youngest? Expert says birth order shapes personality
Are you the responsible eldest child, the peace‑keeping middle or the free‑spirited youngest?
Many of us grow up with a sense that our place in the family says something about who we are—shaping everything from our confidence to our relationships. But according to Catherine Carr, author of Who’s the Favorite? The Loving, Messy Realities of Sibling Relationships, birth order can shape identity without ever fully defining it.
“Sibling dynamics are almost endlessly complex,” Carr told Newsweek. “The first will always be the first—and often feel displaced by the subsequent children. And the baby will always be the last and so never ‘dethroned’ in the same way. It’s endlessly interesting to dissect.”
Stock photo: Family photo with loving brothers and sister in their garden at home together.
Carr’s interest in sibling dynamics is deeply personal. She is the middle of three sisters, and her childhood was marked by separation after her parents divorced. When she was 11, her mother moved out, taking Carr’s youngest sister with her, while Carr and her older sister stayed behind.
The experience made her acutely aware of how fragile sibling bonds can be—and how much shared time and memory matter.
“It meant we missed so many stitches in what it usually takes to knit siblings together in their shared memories and experiences,” Carr said. “As a result, we are all very mindful of those gaps, and we have worked to try and fill them in.”
When it comes to birth order itself, Carr is quick to stress that it is not destiny. Much of what we “know” about birth order comes from the work of Austrian psychotherapist Alfred Adler, who suggested that firstborns tend to be conscientious and burdened with responsibility, youngest children more risk‑taking and charming, and middle children adaptable but insecure.
Although birth‑order stereotypes are deeply embedded in popular culture, Carr said they fall short as an explanation for how siblings really turn out—even if they hint at something real.
“How much time we spend overlapping in the same environment matters, as do all the various forces which are at play in that environment,” she said. “A large age gap will mean, for example, that the younger child is raised by much older—and more tired—parents who may have a lot less time and money by the time they arrive, or vast amounts more of both. The waters that two siblings swim are always different.”
Just as important is the theory of sibling differentiation. Coined by psychologist Frances Fuchs Schachter, it suggests that children actively carve out distinct identities to reduce competition and feel uniquely valued.
If one sibling is “the academic,” another may lean into creativity or humor instead. Over time, those roles can become part of how siblings relate—not just to parents, but to each other.
From left: Headshot of Catherine Carr; the book jacket for Who’s The Favorite?
Family dynamics can complicate things further. Spacing between siblings, blended families and favoritism can all disrupt traditional birth‑order patterns.
Carr noted that step‑siblings sometimes experience less conflict than full siblings, simply because there is “less baggage” to navigate. But the arrival of new siblings—especially in blended families—can also scramble existing roles and trigger fresh feelings of loss or displacement.
Favoritism, in particular, can leave long‑lasting marks. Carr cited a study which found that many parents privately acknowledge having a favorite child, even if few admit it openly. Favoritism can show up through time, money or tolerance, and unresolved feelings around it can make adult sibling relationships especially fraught.
Ultimately, Carr hopes a deeper understanding of birth order encourages compassion—both toward siblings and oneself. She believes sibling relationships can evolve from rigid, hierarchical roles into more equal, adult friendships over time.
“We don’t have to stay rigidly playing those roles dictated by birth order forever,” Carr said. “There are a lot of expectations around the sibling bond, which can be very problematic. But for those who feel able, I hope that the book [available from Amazon] provides them with some of the tools and language necessary to have really interesting and revealing conversations with one another, which build closeness and understanding between them.”
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