I’m a single woman of 63, and I feel friendless and lonely

Striking up a conversation with a stranger can feel awkward at the best of times. Yet here I was at my local coffee shop, on a mission to make new friends in my sixties. I felt a mixture of nervousness and excitement as I sat faffing around with my chocolate muffin and flat white, ready to chat to a blonde lady sitting near me. I took the leap: “I love your dress. Where did you get it from?” I said breezily. It turned out she was divorced and single and, after a few niceties, we were chatting about this and that, including the handsome guy behind the bar! To be honest I never expected to be seeking playmates at this time in my life. But, as a single woman of 63, it’s difficult to admit how friendless and lonely I feel.

'Haven't got time' texts

I can’t remember the exact moment the phone stopped ringing – it has been a gradual fading out. When I ring my old friend for a catch-up, I get the “let me see what John is doing first” reply. And the “haven’t got time” texts from other buddies are a painful reminder that I’m way down on their list of priorities. I had always found it easy to make friends. In my twenties I found a tight-knit female group who talked philosophy and dated wildly inappropriate men. Little did I know that these intimate friendships I relied on would slip away as I got older. (Photo: Tim Robberts/Getty/Digital Vision)

Losing friends as we get older

As I ventured through my thirties and forties the landscape changed. I remember one friend when I was 42 telling me that she only socialised with friends who had children. Even though I had been maid of honour at her wedding, it suddenly felt like we were strangers. According to Cate Mackenzie, sex and relationship therapist, it is common to lose a significant number of friends as we get older. “We experience many changes over a lifetime including loss of family, friendships, partners, job changes, and moving to another area. All of this can make it hard to maintain friendships,” she explains. (Photo: Aleksei Morozov/Getty/iStockphoto)

A threat to dinner parties?

For me the tipping point came last year, when a friend I had known since my forties took umbrage at an article I had written. When I saw them in the street, they cut me dead. We eventually made up and she invited me to lunch. Tucking into Cobb salad, she suddenly said we probably wouldn’t see each other again. I nearly choked on my dressing. Sure enough, she hasn’t contacted me since. I found myself pacing my living room, constantly glancing at my phone waiting for someone to call. It made me realise that the friendships that had been the bedrock of my life weren’t there anymore. Some friends had entered the sealed world of marriage and baby-rearing. One friend I thought would be there for ever suddenly decided I didn’t fit into her circle of affluent buddies. “Wakey wakey,” one friend said brutally, telling me that as a singleton I not only mucked up the dinner party numbers, I was a threat. (Photo: Lev Dolgachov/Getty/iStockphoto)

Qualities in a friend

Unless I made an effort to make new acquaintances, I could end up dying alone. But it is scary to try to make new friends at my age. Who would want to know me? I worried that I had become boring. “We all have doubts about how interesting we are,” says Mackenzie, adding “it isn’t easy to open up to new friendships – many of us have a fear of rejection”. But she encourages me to take a chance on new people, advising that I realise that “every stranger could be a friend in waiting”. The first step for me was to get rid of the negative voice in my head that told me nobody would want to be my friend. It might sound silly but I’ve discovered that saying optimistic phrases such as, “I believe in myself” each morning helped me take stock of myself positively. I took time to think about what I wanted in a friend: building trust, having shared values, and being able to laugh with someone were my friendship non-negotiables. I decided to make friends with people who had similar interests. I joined a debating society. At first I felt nervous walking in alone but I realised many people were there by themselves. We meet once a month and I enjoy lively discussion. (Photo: Mary Long/Getty)

Familiar faces at the café

I’ve become a regular at that local cafe and enjoy chatting with familiar faces, including a new friend Leah, an ex-actress. She is a couple of years younger. We are both unmarried and share similar upbringings. We talk about matcha tea as we power-walk through the park. I love having a friend to exercise with and as we’ve confided in each other, I have found someone I feel in sync with. It may seem comforting to stay in the same friendship circles but in a way I am glad my old friendships fell apart, forcing me to meet new people I feel more suited to. As Barry Long, writer and spiritual teacher, said: “If you have the same friends all your life something is up!” As we change, the change is reflected in different friendships. It doesn’t make old friends wrong but maybe you are on different frequencies. (Photo: Damircudic/Getty/ E+)

Finding my faith in people again

I’ve realised I don’t need much – just a couple of people I can confide in. Even just a smile and a friendly “hello” to the locals as I go about my day cheers me up. We are all desperate to connect, and my experience has taught me it is never too late to make new friends. Once I let go of my hang-ups and made the effort to be more sociable, people were really responsive. A few weeks ago as I walked home and waved to the man at my local bakery, I felt different. The world seemed better, but it wasn’t the world that had changed, it was me. I had found my faith in people again, and it felt really good. (Photo: Getty)