I coach men to be better husbands. They’re all making the same mistake

Majority of divorces initiated by women, We teach boys that emotion is feminine, When communication collapses, everything becomes harder, Relationships can be starved of spontaneity, Stereotype of male laziness exists for a reason, Familiar dynamic emerges, Men aren't villains

I have been coaching men through dating, relationships and intimacy for over a decade now, and therefore I see firsthand the wreckage men create in their partnerships, albeit often unintentionally. When a man sits down in front of me and is ready to confront his problems, something deeply painful is usually happening in his life. He is in the middle of a break-up or divorce, cycling through denial or bargaining because the future he imagined has slipped through his fingers. He has received an ultimatum from his partner and, perhaps for the first time, it has registered in his nervous system that he needs to take urgent action, usually because they will leave him if he does not. Or he is single and confused, unable to understand why he cannot create the relationship he wants, even though he believes he is doing everything “right”. (Photo: Getty)

Majority of divorces initiated by women

Majority of divorces initiated by women, We teach boys that emotion is feminine, When communication collapses, everything becomes harder, Relationships can be starved of spontaneity, Stereotype of male laziness exists for a reason, Familiar dynamic emerges, Men aren't villains

We know that around 60 per cent of heterosexual divorces are initiated by women. The more interesting question is not the statistic itself, but what sits beneath it. Sometimes relationships end because they should. Sometimes they have outgrown their purpose. But there are patterns of behaviour I see repeatedly in men that quietly erode their relationships long before a break-up is announced. The most pervasive is communication. (Photo: Getty)

We teach boys that emotion is feminine

Majority of divorces initiated by women, We teach boys that emotion is feminine, When communication collapses, everything becomes harder, Relationships can be starved of spontaneity, Stereotype of male laziness exists for a reason, Familiar dynamic emerges, Men aren't villains

There is a convenient belief that men are simply wired not to talk, but that is reductive and lets everyone off too easily. Boys are socialised out of expansive emotional expression. We shame and bully vulnerability early. We teach boys that emotion is feminine, that silence is strength and that being seen as “too emotional” is somehow a failure of masculinity. So men enter relationships communicating functionally. Logistics. Tasks. Necessary updates. When I challenge this, they will say things to me like, “I didn’t have anything worth saying,” or, “I didn’t want to cause a problem”. What they do not see is that withholding their inner world, their thoughts, feelings and wants creates distance. And in that distance grows loneliness, and in that loneliness resentment, often most acutely for the woman, but eventually for both. (Photo: Getty)

When communication collapses, everything becomes harder

Majority of divorces initiated by women, We teach boys that emotion is feminine, When communication collapses, everything becomes harder, Relationships can be starved of spontaneity, Stereotype of male laziness exists for a reason, Familiar dynamic emerges, Men aren't villains

Take intimacy. When this declines, many women attempt a conversation. Many men experience that conversation not as an invitation but as an indictment. Shame arrives quickly. Defensiveness follows. The topic closes. In his mind, he hears, “you are inadequate.” She is often saying, “I want to feel closer”. When communication collapses, everything becomes harder. Men also have a habit of living in their own heads. We call it being logical, but it is often a rehearsal of rejection. (Photo: Getty)

Relationships can be starved of spontaneity

Majority of divorces initiated by women, We teach boys that emotion is feminine, When communication collapses, everything becomes harder, Relationships can be starved of spontaneity, Stereotype of male laziness exists for a reason, Familiar dynamic emerges, Men aren't villains

An example I have seen is as follows. A man considers suggesting a holiday to his wife. He imagines her criticising the cost, questioning the details, dismissing the idea. He remembers a previous disagreement. He plays the scene forward and, based on a story that has not yet happened, decides not to mention it at all. I have seen men do this with appreciation for their partners too. He will think it, feel it even, but not say it out loud in fear that it would be taken the wrong way. Multiply that pattern over weeks and months and you have a relationship quietly starved of spontaneity, warmth and shared initiative. (Photo: Getty)

Stereotype of male laziness exists for a reason

Majority of divorces initiated by women, We teach boys that emotion is feminine, When communication collapses, everything becomes harder, Relationships can be starved of spontaneity, Stereotype of male laziness exists for a reason, Familiar dynamic emerges, Men aren't villains

The public caricature of male failure is laziness – the husband on the sofa while his partner manages children, family logistics and the “invisible” labour of running a household. That caricature exists for a reason. I see too many men still overstate their contribution and understate their partner’s, leading to resentment in their relationships. Encouragingly, younger men are far more conscious of fatherhood. Many were shaped by emotionally unavailable fathers and are determined not to repeat that model. But good intentions are not always the same as emotional skill, which brings us to intimacy. (Photo: Getty)

Familiar dynamic emerges

Majority of divorces initiated by women, We teach boys that emotion is feminine, When communication collapses, everything becomes harder, Relationships can be starved of spontaneity, Stereotype of male laziness exists for a reason, Familiar dynamic emerges, Men aren't villains

In my work, intimacy is not just making love. It is emotional, intellectual and physical closeness. It is the ability to be known. Many men struggle here. If you cannot identify and express what you feel, emotional intimacy will remain shallow. And without the emotional safety that intimacy creates, desire often erodes. The familiar dynamic emerges: he wants morephysical intimacy, she wants more closeness. What she often means is not more talking, but more presence. More affection not tied to physical intimacy. More emotional availability that is not transactional. (Photo: Getty)

Men aren't villains

Majority of divorces initiated by women, We teach boys that emotion is feminine, When communication collapses, everything becomes harder, Relationships can be starved of spontaneity, Stereotype of male laziness exists for a reason, Familiar dynamic emerges, Men aren't villains

None of this makes men villains. There are extraordinary husbands and thriving partnerships. Those simply do not dominate online discourse. The uncomfortable truth is that most relational breakdown is not caused by dramatic betrayals, but by small, repeated acts of emotional avoidance. And until men are willing to look at those quieter patterns in themselves, the question of when a relationship is done will keep appearing, again and again. (Photo: Getty)

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