At 41, my wife divorced me out of the blue – now I know why
By my early forties I thought I had it all figured out. I was living the dream; running award-winning wellness retreats on Ibiza. My business was growing, and I thought I was happily married. I’d left London and moved to the island in 2011, with my wife of 15 years. I was in media and she was in private banking. The plan was to escape the corporate rat race. We agreed that there had to be more to life than working in the city; we didn’t have children, so we just took the plunge and moved. But everything came crashing down three years later. My wife told me she wasn’t happy and asked for a divorce. I was shocked; it was completely out of the blue and I really couldn’t understand what was happening. I never thought it would happen to me.
She left the business and country
Suddenly, she left the business and the country, moving back to the UK, and I was left to run it on my own. I wanted to make things work and find a way forward, but within the year we had finalised the divorce – it was amicable. With the benefit of hindsight, I can see that there were signs. The business was all-consuming. Both of us were far too involved in it but I also wasn’t doing my part in the relationship. I could have done more to make her feel safe in the relationship. I was so focused on my career that I avoided the emotions. I see it play out with my clients all the time. When it comes to how they feel, men will keep their heads down. They won’t speak up if something is not feeling quite right. They will just hope it gets better. Women are much more able to open up to their friends and express when something is wrong. (Photo: Getty)
Drinking wine alone
For months afterwards, our separation was still sinking in. Like many mid-life men, I assumed no one would be interested in me now I was in my forties. I was blindsided, heartbroken, and left trying to run a business while navigating the pain of losing my marriage. My self-worth had been shattered. During those “dark nights of the soul” years, I tried my best to look like I had it all together, but on the inside, I was in turmoil. When I came home to an empty flat, I would start drinking wine. Not a crazy amount, but more than I ever usually did. I also threw myself into exercise. I clung to what I thought I could control – my physical appearance. I dropped to under 10 per cent body fat and gained a six-pack. I thought I looked the part, but inside I felt exhausted and hollow. (Photo: Noel Celis/AFP via Getty)
Focus on physicality
It didn’t take long to realise that my focus on physicality wasn’t solving the deeper issues. I was running on adrenaline, but had no direction. I realised I had to address my mental state. With my background in psychology and coaching, I knew how to create change, but I also recognised I needed outside support. I’m incredibly grateful to my friends who rallied around me, but I knew it wasn’t going to be enough to help me move on. I started attending meditation retreats and also did therapy for three months. I wanted to redefine myself. I saw now the part I played in the breakdown of my marriage. The business had consumed me, leaving no time to nurture my relationship or myself. I was living on a beautiful island but had no time to enjoy it. I learned that I had compromised a lot in my relationship, perhaps to an unhealthy degree. I was always trying to ensure the other person was happy – but never took into account what they and I actually needed. Going forward, I resolved to have more boundaries and say what I want more. I scaled back the punishing HIIT workouts and shifted to more structured weight training, also focusing on overall movement, not just intensity. Week by week, I felt better – better sleep, more energy, a positive shift in my mood. I became less stressed, more energetic, and more patient, both personally and professionally. (Photo: Getty)
A new relationship
I began a fulfilling relationship with Claire, who I already knew from home, and whose marriage broke up around the same time as mine. We started dating long-distance and in 2016, she moved to Ibiza. We have now married, and moved back to the UK where we run a podcast and coaching business, The Midlife Mentors. My journey of growth and healing led me to write a book, The Midlife Male Handbook, in which I share many of my findings and tools helping men in their 40s, 50s and beyond to thrive physically, mentally and emotionally. (Photo: Constance Doyle)
Obsession with external fixes
My advice to other men coming out of divorce is to take some time out. Let someone else take over the reins for a while at work if you can, or delegate. When you’re low, the voice in your head can hold you back. But just becoming aware of that voice can be incredibly empowering – as well as realising that what it’s saying might not be true. Self-compassion is key. It’s tempting to avoid feelings by falling into unhelpful mechanisms. Those look different for everyone; it could be buying really expensive holidays or new outfits. It could be going to the pub every night, and becoming dependent on alcohol. In today’s world, we’re often obsessed with external fixes – more money, more stuff, better physiques – but not enough attention is given to the internal work needed to shift our mindset and beliefs, which is what creates true happiness and fulfilment. Three years after thinking I was on the scrapheap, I turned my life around. Now, at 52, I’ve never felt more optimistic, empowered, and alive. That’s not to say I don’t face challenges. But I have the tools, habits, and mindset to handle them. (Photo: Brian A.Jackson/Getty)
Eight tips for men in midlife by James Davis
1) Make gradual sustainable changes. Avoid extreme diets or intense workout regimes. Introduce new habits one step at a time – whether it’s swapping sugary drinks for water or trying two healthy recipes a week. Small changes are easier to maintain and are less overwhelming. / 2) Choose balanced nutrition over fads. Aim to eat whole, balanced foods. Focus on lean proteins, complex carbs, and lots of vegetables. Moderation is key; enjoy occasional treats without guilt. / 3) Find exercise you enjoy. Forcing yourself into exercise you hate is a surefire way to burn out. Whether it’s yoga, swimming, or hiking, movement should feel empowering, not punishing. / 4) Prioritise sleep. Lack of sleep and high stress levels can affect everything from your mood to your waistline. Establish a regular sleep schedule and make time to unwind. A calm mind supports a healthy body. / 5) Consider your values. Think about who you want to be and what you want for your future, and use this clarity to guide your actions. / 6) Find a community. It’s easy to drift when no one’s holding you accountable. Men often struggle to maintain strong social networks, so find a community- whether through a workout buddy, support group, or online platform. But remember, real life is always better than virtual. / 7) Let go of the ego. Don’t let pride keep you stuck. It’s okay to change course, and it’s okay to be a beginner again. Embrace the journey of transformation without shame. / 8) Prioritise yourself. Carve out time to invest in your wellbeing, and remember that many changes are free or low-cost. You’ll stumble along the way – that’s part of the process. What matters is how quickly you get back on track. (The Midlife Male Handbook: A Man’s Guide To Thriving Through Andropause is out now, published by Synergy - RRP £17.99) (Photo: Joe Giddens/PA)
