I’ve been happily married for 37 years – but don’t live with my husband

Does this mean you’ll move back in together? That’s the question my husband and I are asked most often these days, as we count down to his retirement from the job that’s been his focus for the last four decades. So much so that, 10 years ago, he moved to Scotland to do it – leaving me and our four daughters 400 miles away in London. The younger girls were still at school, and all four of them were enjoying their lives down south, so we didn’t even consider moving to Glasgow with him. Over the years since, Gary and I have honed a rather agreeable arrangement. I spend time in Scotland with him; he spends time in London (or Italy, or Amsterdam – I move around a lot) with me. But about half of the time, we live separately – right now I’m in a rented flat in Amsterdam, and he’s in our Glasgow apartment. We spent last weekend together in Barcelona, but we aren’t scheduled to be meeting again for another three weeks – and then we’ll have 10 days or so together before I head back to Holland. (Photo: Supplied).

Living Apart Together

Living Apart Together (LAT), as it’s officially called, wouldn’t be for every couple, but we’re certainly not the only ones it suits. Around one in 10 heterosexual couples in the UK live apart while maintaining a steady, intimate relationship: and according to research from UCL at the end of last year older people seem to benefit particularly well from it. Over-60s who LAT have better mental health; and for single older people, it’s much more likely as a relationship destination than marriage or co-habitation – 10 times more likely for women, and 20 times more likely for men. The report’s authors cited the complex circumstances of later life as one of the reasons for the popularity of later-life LAT-ing. They were probably thinking about issues around divorce and remarriage – strings of children and grandchildren belonging to one partner but not both, making separate homes more conducive to seeing extended family. (Photo: Supplied).

The daily grind chips away

Gary and I share our four children, and neither of us have kids with anyone else – but for any couple who’ve been together for many decades (we’re about to celebrate our 37th wedding anniversary) life is inevitably complex. Frankly, it sometimes feels like a miracle that we’re still together given how many changes, how many upheavals, how many crises, how many maelstroms we’ve faced. But it isn’t only the big issues that threaten a long-term relationship: the daily grind chips away at it as well. When you’ve been together as long as we have, it’s often the small things that are most annoying. His daily two-hour baths in a flat with only one bathroom; his inflexibility (Me: “Shall we head to Loch Lomond this morning, as it’s sunny?” Him: “But it’s Saturday: I always do the shopping on a Saturday morning”). I’m sure he could give you chapter and verse on my annoying habits as well. (Photo: Supplied).

Practicality of having space apart

So how much better is it not to have to share day in, day out with him – especially at this stage of our lives. Because while some seem to think LAT-ing is something cool young people do, that’s totally wrong. There’s a novelty about living together when you’re young: my eldest daughter and her partner have just bought their first home together in Amsterdam (where they’ve recently had a baby, hence my many visits here), and I can see how much they’re loving shared domesticity, and how practical it is to be in the same space so they can look after their young son together. (Photo: Supplied).

LAT-ing popular with mature women

The UCL research also suggested that LAT-ing spelled a more egalitarian way of life for older women. I’d second that: living a separate life from Gary means I have a lot more autonomy over my life (as he also does over his). My travels, my work, my adventures – all these are my own, worked out by me and shared with him when we meet up, or not at all. I don’t have to ask him or tell him what I’m doing – although there are sometimes a few surprises. “But what are you DOING in Acapulco?” he said to me a few years ago, when I called him from that city. Sometimes we begin a call with the words: “Where exactly are you now?” But there aren’t many of those calls because, truth be told, we don’t communicate much when we’re not together. If you enjoy LAT-ing, you don’t live in one another’s pockets – this isn’t a way of life for people desperate to know every dot and comma of their partner’s day. Days go by when the only evidence I have that Gary is still alive is that he’s sent me his Wordle score (especially if he gets it in just three guesses). If I was to phone him (as opposed to texting), or vice versa, the other would assume someone had gone under a bus, or that the house was burning down. (Photo: Ekaterina Demidova/Getty).

Feeling fulfilled from a life shared

I’d never tell anyone else to live this way: it’s not for everyone, and I can see many of our couple friends get a huge amount from a life that’s shared and connected in ways our marriage isn’t. Having said that, when I meet someone new (especially someone at a similar age and stage of life to me), and describe our arrangement, I sometimes perceive a glint of envy in their eyes. The truth is, life is about balance: and for many later-life couples, the balance that used to be there when both had separate jobs and hence at least an element of separate lives, goes out of the window once retirement beckons. We all need time on our own as well as time with our partners, time with our children and grandchildren, time with our friends; and LAT-ing makes that balance much easier to achieve. (Photo: Kobus Louw/Getty).

Will we ever live together again?

One of the best things about living this way is that Gary and I are genuinely excited to see one another again, and usually a bit sad when we have to say goodbye. But we relish our time apart as well as enjoying our time together; and there’s an interest and spice to our relationship that I suspect wouldn’t be there if we lived in the same house all the time. We’ll never be that midlife couple you see not talking to one another across a restaurant table: we always have news to share. And we edit what we tell one another: I never know about the boring bits of Gary’s life, and he never knows about the boring bits of mine. So the answer to that question, are we going to move back in together, is: definitely not. Not now, and maybe not ever. Of course we might reach a point where health issues mean we have to be under the same roof, but that’s not inevitable: one LAT-ing couple I know are 89 (her) and 99 (him). As we approach our fourth decade together, we relish the freedom, the freshness and the energy living apart gives to our long marriage. (Photo: Getty).