Why 'the one that got away' still haunts us (and what to do about it)

Why ‘the one that got away’ still haunts us (and what to do about it)

Emily* from Manchester was just 20 years old when she travelled to a village in Spain for a year as part of her university studies. It was there that she met David* in the local nightclub. The young couple embarked on a whirlwind romance that lasted around three months. “It was intense,” she tells me. “In the beginning it was very frivolous – and then it became serious. He had the best body I’ve ever seen,” she laughs. “He was very, very beautiful. None of it was supposed to be serious, because I was only there for a short time, but we both fell really hard for each other. But then I had to leave.” *Names have been changed. (Photo: Jozef Polc/Getty)

'I was crushed'

Emily’s romantic rendezvous dates back 35 years. In this pre-internet, pre-mobile era, there were limited ways to stay in touch, but the lovestruck pair made it work, initially. “We wrote soppy letters to each other,” she recalls, “and we used to speak on the phone once a week.” After a while, David’s letters stopped, however. “I rang one of the bars in the village that a friend of his owned and he told me that he’d got back together with his ex-girlfriend. I was crushed.” But Emily’s feelings didn’t end there. Whether it’s a holiday romance, an ex-partner or a secret crush, lingering feelings of love or lust from the past can sneak up on us and take us by surprise. Anniversaries, hearing certain songs, visiting places that trigger memories or even dreams can provoke powerful reminders of people from both the recent and distant past. (Photo: Getty)

Nostalgic reverie

According to a 2015 study published in the Journal of Applied Social Psychology, reflecting on these feelings – what academics call “nostalgic reverie” – is incredibly common and can even be good for our well-being.“The fantasy of ‘the one that got away’ is powerful because it lives in imagination, not reality,” Giovanna Smith, certified relationship coach and founder of Perfect Fusions Matchmaking Agency, tells The i Paper. “When a relationship ends before it’s fully tested by everyday life – bills, conflict, boredom, compromise – the person gets frozen in time. They remain untouched by disappointment." Smith continues: “Psychologically, this taps into selective memory and idealisation. Our brains naturally recall emotionally charged memories more vividly, while quietly editing out the harder moments. Research in cognitive psychology shows we tend to remember past relationships more positively than they actually were, especially when we’re feeling lonely or dissatisfied in the present.” (Photo: Getty)

Longing for someone unavailable feels safer

Smith adds that there is also an emotional safety element at play. “Longing for someone unavailable is safer than being vulnerable with someone real,” she states. “The fantasy can’t reject you, disappoint you, or ask you to change. It allows people to experience desire without risk, which is very seductive.” For Grace*, “the one that got away” was more than just a fling, however; she was in a relationship with James* for nearly three years. “I was attracted to his intelligence,” she tells me – “he has the most incredible brain. We also shared so many interests and his enthusiasm for them was magnetic.”*Names have been changed. (Photo: Getty)

A quiet, constant thought

Despite her affection for James, Grace made the difficult decision to end things, a choice she described as “the hardest thing I’ve ever done”. She said: “I left because he wasn’t able to meet my needs or make me happy,” she says. “He was distracted, uncommitted and prioritised work over everything, including his own health.” Grace is now “very happy” in a new relationship, but James remains a quiet constant in her thoughts. “I still think about him and miss him all the time,” she admits. “All the things I loved about him haven’t changed. I worry about him – I wish I could talk to him – I wish he was in my life. He was wonderful in so many ways. But I just know that we can’t be together.” (Photo: Getty)

The fantasy can become a refuge

“Remembering past love is completely normal,” says Smith. “It’s part of how we make meaning of our lives and understand who we’ve been and how we’ve grown. It becomes problematic when the memory turns into emotional avoidance – when someone uses the past to protect themselves from present intimacy,” she continues. Warning signs include: constant comparison between new partners and the past love, feeling emotionally unavailable or ‘closed’ to new connections, and romanticising someone while ignoring why the relationship actually ended. “Attachment research shows this can be linked to anxious or avoidant attachment styles, where the nervous system associates closeness with threat, loss, or instability,” adds Smith. “In these cases, the fantasy becomes a refuge rather than a reflection.” (Photo: Getty)

Crossing paths - on social media

Emily’s heartbreak over David eased over time, but he’s still someone she thinks about occasionally, not least when their paths cross on social media. While the two were briefly connected on Facebook, Emily later closed her account. Later, she set up an Instagram account, where David tracked her down. And a couple of days ago, she noticed he’d watched one of her stories. “I did a little whoop!” she tells me. “I also saw a photograph of him on a motorbike a while back… I just swooned,” she says. Despite this, her recollections of their time together make her smile, rather than feel sad. “Obviously, it’s a really, really long time ago,” she says. “I have nice memories, but there’s no way I would have sacrificed returning to the UK to finish my degree. I don’t resent him for getting back with his ex, but if I’d have stayed, things might be different. I definitely think about him as the one that got away.” (Photo: Getty)

'I've moved across the world and still have his letters'

She adds: “I have had many, many house moves – I’ve moved across the world and back – and I’ve still got his letters. And I could probably tell you word for word what some of them say.” For Grace, her feelings around her ex-boyfriend have been more difficult to navigate, particularly while they’re still so fresh in her memory. Despite this, she bears no ill-will toward him. “I just hope he’s happy,” she says. “I only want the best for him.” (Photo: Getty)

Four steps to move forward

Smith has some advice for people struggling to move past big feelings about a past love. “The goal isn’t to erase the memory, it’s to integrate it,” she says. She advises people to reality-check the fantasy. “Write down not just what you miss, but what didn’t work. Longing often shrinks once reality is reintroduced,” she says. Another tip is to name what the person symbolises. Smith explains: “Often it’s not the person we miss, but what they represent: youth, freedom, possibility or being chosen.” Make sure you grieve properly, as Smith says: “Many people never fully grieve because the relationship ended quietly or ambiguously. Unfinished endings linger.” Her last tip is to return to the present body. “Practices that regulate the nervous system – breath work, grounding and movement – help release emotional loops that live more in the body than the mind. Neuroscience supports this: emotional memories are stored differently from factual ones, and healing often requires both reflection and regulation,” she says. (Photo: Getty)

Sometimes the love didn’t get away - it couldn’t stay

Smith adds: “‘The one that got away’ is rarely about fate: it’s about timing, readiness and emotional capacity. Two people can feel deeply connected and still be unable to meet each other in the way a healthy relationship requires. Sometimes the love didn’t getaway, it simply couldn’t stay. When people stop asking ‘What if?’ and start asking ‘What am I ready for now?’, something shifts. The past loosens its grip, and space opens for a love that exists not in memory, but in real life.” (Photo: Getty)